Wisdom Living

Yesterday was a day that is worthy of two blog posts today.

The first one is my response to Pastor Sheila's message last night. It was actually amazing...and really got me thinking about wisdom.

Wisdom - being skillful and successful in the art of living.
What is the art of living? It's modeling wisdom.

Pastor Sheila made the statement that the church, in general, should stand head and shoulders above the rest of the world.

"Why," you may ask?

Well, let's go back to the basics.

God is wisdom.
The Trinity has three parts. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
When we got saved, the Holy Spirit came and took up residence in our heart.
Holy Spirit = God.
God = wisdom.
Holy Spirit living in us = built-in wisdom.

If you take all that into consideration, it makes sense that Christians should be recognized for the wisdom that exudes off of them. However, that rarely seems to happen.

In the past, I've been so wrapped up in knowing the right things to say and sounding smart that I neglect to examine my behaviour. You know the saying "actions speak louder than words"? Well, that's perfectly applicable in this situation.

I was saying all the right things at all the right times, but my life was in shambles. It's no wonder I wasn't seeing any fruit when I tried to reach out to people. I was so intent on telling my friends what would happen if they got saved...that they would experience true joy and freedom, etc. The thing is, I was clearly living in bondage. I can just imagine the thoughts running through their mind...

"If that's what Christianity is, I want no part of it."

"She's worse off than me! Why would I want to be like her?!"

In wisdom living, our actions should have the same weight (if not more) than our words. People should notice a difference in the way we live before we even open our mouths to tell them about God and what He can do for them.

And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.
1 Corinthians 2:1-5

In this passage, Paul is talking to the Corinthian church when they were young in their faith. He's talking about how he didn't approach them with big, churchy words. He just went in with the raw honesty of what Jesus did in him...and for them. He didn't go in their with a "holier than thou" attitude. He didn't take credit for his awesomeness.

In fact, he says that he came to them in weakness. To me, that shows that he wasn't afraid to be human...and to let them know that he was just like them, but his message was so full of power. Not because he used big words, but because of the work of the Holy Spirit in his life. He went to them in such a way that he would get none of the glory and honour, but God would get it all.

I want so badly for my life to be a demonstration of the Spirit's power! I don't want to take any glory for the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. It all belongs to Him.

Pastor Sheila shared another scripture that really got me thinking as well.

Daniel answered and said:
“Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,
For wisdom and might are His.
And He changes the times and the seasons;
He removes kings and raises up kings;
He gives wisdom to the wise
And knowledge to those who have understanding."

Daniel 2:20-21 (NKJV)

"God gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding?! What the heck is the point of that?!" That was my response when she first shared that scripture, but as she began to unpack it...it started to make more sense to me.

"The wise get more wisdom added to their life because they are smart enough to seek God fervently. To contend and not give up."

~ Pastor Sheila

How many times have I approached God in my prayer times to ask for wisdom regarding a certain situation only to give up a short while later because there was no response? I got so discouraged because nothing was happening. I was no closer to having any more knowledge of what to do in the situation...so I just decided to try to figure it out on my own.

When I think about that, it makes sense to me. God desires me to diligently seek Him...not just go to Him for wisdom on a one-time basis. He wants me to be flat on my face before Him, desperately seeking after Him. He wants to know that I know that whatever wisdom I receive is not just coming from my own brain. He wants to know that I will give Him the glory for the results of the situation...because without Him, I would be stuck in the same place that I was before.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently seek him.
Hebrews 11:6

The whole purpose of wisdom is that it would glorify God...so it makes sense that He's not going to give foolish people wisdom, because they'd take all the glory for something that wasn't even their own in the first place.

As I walk into this next season (I'm still trying to determine exactly what it's going to look like...), I really need to be seeking God diligently. He is the only one who has a clear enough vision of my future to show me what steps I need to take. As I spend more time with Him and develop a more intimate relationship with Him, He will give me revelation about the steps that I am to take that will lead me down a path of success.

All in all, I want to be a safe person for God to share His wisdom with. I want Him to be able to trust me to handle the wisdom in a responsible manner.

Decidophobia - The Fear of Making Decisions

Here I am again! It's 3:45am, and I am just starting to write a blog. For some odd reason, I think my deepest thoughts and have the most self-realization at night. Gosh, I love the way my body is so mixed up! [/sarcasm]

Just once, I'd love to realize something major during the day...

So, for the past few hours, I've been sitting here on my bed trolling the internet for whatever I can find. Tonight, that "whatever" happened to be Liberty University's website. Liberty then turned into UCLA which turned into Biola. (No, I don't understand the different progression of schools. It just...happened. :P)

I've been looking at different schools in different states (none in Canada of course...). Different undergraduate degrees, Masters degrees, and even doctoral programs. Each different school, different degree, and different state could lead to a whole different life for me.

I know that I've been accepted at Trevecca and have decided to go there in the fall, but the money hasn't come in yet. I'm starting to wonder whether it will come in at all. The money isn't really where I'm going with this blog though - well, it kind of is, but not entirely.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I kind of don't want the money to come in for Trevecca. It's not that I don't want to go there, because I do. I want to go to university. I want to get on with my life. The thing is...


I'm scared.


My whole life, I've bounced from one city to another, one school to another, one life to another. I don't like the idea of settling down...of committing to something long term.

Some of you might think that four years in one place is not that long. I, however, beg to differ.

This week coming up will be four years of my family living in Ontario. It's the longest length of time my family has stayed anywhere in my whole life. Even in these four years, I've been out of the country a few times on trips (which isn't highly unusual but my main motivation for the trips was the need to get out of here...not for pleasure, but to preserve my own sanity), spent 8 months last year in Nashville, and tried to live in Toronto for a few weeks.

In the past four years I have attended 6 different schools. Been at four different churches for an extended period of time. Gone through many, many peer groups. Seen a bunch of different therapists and doctors.

With all that in mind, four years in one place seems like a hell of a long time. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can commit to staying in one place for so long.

Throughout my life, there has only been one thing that I have been able to stick to through everything. That has been my eating disorder. It has been what I fell back on in every situation. When something went wrong, I could always resort to my distorted thoughts and behaviours regarding food. It was my safety net. If my life was chaotic, I would use the eating disorder to bring stability. If my life was too stable, I'd use it to shake things up a bit.

Going into this next season, I don't have that safety net anymore. It's not even an option for me if I go to university. I'm going to be paying top dollar to receive my education, and I'm not going to throw it away because I'm too busy counting calories to write papers.

That being said, I'm afraid to commit to anything in regards to my education because I know that the eating disorder is not an option. If I fail, I'm not going to have an excuse.

Part of me thinks that it would be easier to just not go to school because I won't have to deal with the disappointment of letting myself down. I won't have to feel weighted down by commitments because I won't make any long term decisions.

The thing is...I'm letting the present hang in the balance right now. I'm not making concrete long term plans, but I'm not making any plans in the present either because I don't know if I'm going to make any long term decisions. It's a catch-22. I can't make the decisions that I need to right now if I refuse to make the decisions that I need to for my future and vice versa.

At the rate I'm going, my life is going to be spent right here where I am right now. Sitting on my bed in my parents house, staring at my computer screen. Not doing anything besides dreaming about an amazing future but knowing that it will never happen because I'm too afraid to get out of my comfort zone and actually DO something.

I have a very avoidant personality when it comes to things like this. I avoid making big decisions because I'm afraid of failure, but I avoid making small decisions because...well...eventually small decisions aren't enough and I'll be forced to make a big decision. So I don't make any decisions besides the one not to make decisions.

I don't really know how to get over that, other than to just do it. But...when I do go to "just do it", I become paralyzed with fear and trepidation. I over think things...and I just get myself into a big mess.

It's so easy for me to have all these big dreams of things that I would love to accomplish one day and to plan things far down the road because in the back of my mind, I am convinced that I will never achieve them. As far as I can tell, that's an issue that I probably need to work on.

So...what does that mean in the present? I guess that means I need to mail off the OSAP papers and stop trying to self-sabotage my feeble attempt to overcome that paralyzing fear of actually committing myself to something and sticking with it.




On a completely unrelated note...does anyone know why we capitalize both the 'h' and the 'b' in Happy Birthday?

Love.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG)

Lately, I've been learning to love. More specifically, I'm learning to love even when it hurts like hell.

Love? Pain? Really? Yes, really. For those of you who haven't learned this yet, love hurts. Sometimes it hurts to the point of physical pain. It hurts because you can't control the other person's actions. You can't make everything better. When they hurt, you hurt. When they push you away, it feels like they're stabbing you in the chest repeatedly. When they're happy, you're happy. The list could go on...

For me, part of learning to love has been learning to let go. To let go of trying to control someone. To let go of trying to fix them, and to place the person in God's hands.

Something I'm learning is that letting go and giving up are not equivalent. I'm letting go of her, but I'm not giving up. I still hold on to hope. I still stand in faith that one day, she will see the truth. I'm believing that when that time comes, she'll come back. And if she doesn't come back to me, then I'm believing that there will be someone there who can guide her back to the Cross.

I refuse to give up. I'm not a quitter, and I'm not quitting on her.

But I am letting go.

"Learning to love even in the pain is far harder than coming out of your own pain."
~ Shandi Bleiken

Pointless Blog that I Wrote Out of Pure Enjoyment of Life

I'm taking a break from reading the TNU Student Handbook for the gazillionth time to write this blog. For some reason, I just clicked out of the Handbook and came directly here. I'm not exactly sure what I want to write about, but I feel like that's how a lot of my blogs come about.

I talked to my roommate today. She's also one of my closest friends. She's also a current Mercy resident. We decided to be roommates because we know that we live together well. I wish we had more time to talk...instead of fifteen freaking minutes a week. That's not nearly enough time to cover all the roommate basics. Who's bringing what? What kind of study habits do we each have? Lights on or off at night? What's the theme of our dorm room going to be? Are we lofting our beds for more space?

So while taking a break from reading the Student Handbook, I decided to take a break from this blog to go get some orange sherbert. I seem to be taking breaks from everything today!

I'm in a very random mood today. Consistency is boring to me. I have to be doing many things at once to feel as though I'm not bored out of my mind. I guess that's where this blog comes in. There's no real purpose for it. I just felt like writing here, so yay! I am!

A random fact about me:
I love to cut things up. Specifically magazines. I love cutting up magazines to make collages with. Typically, I cut out words, but sometimes pictures too. I would be able to write a very eloquent ransom note using words that I cut out of magazines.

Okay - I'm really strange. I'm not hyper on the outside, like bouncing off balls or anything like that. In fact, if you were to look at me, you'd think that I was rather chill right now, but inside I have so much energy!!!


I should go for a mental run. Or maybe participate in a Spelling Bee. That would give me a wonderful outlet for all my internal energy!

I Want to Write a Book

Hey everyone.

Just so you know, I'm doing so much better than I was last time I posted. I had some serious time with God, and I'm working it out. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life, and well, that is the result.

What brings me here today [other than the fact that it IS my blog] is the conclusion that I have recently come to that I want to write a book. I have the opportunity to sort of...co-write a book right now which I think is really cool, but I want to write a book all on my own - and just see where it goes.

The way I see it...I write a lot. Not just on here, but elsewhere. I have important things to say. I have learned many valuable lessons. Why not put it all down on paper? I mean, I can't guarantee that it would be published or anything, but I love the idea of writing a book for writing's sake.

I've done some research about writing a book, and I learned that the average paperback has about 250 words per page. At that rate, some of my blogs could be entire chapters...or more. :P

With that all being said, I am going to sit down and start typing. We'll see where that leads me!

Real Talk

Okay, I started this blog with the intention of being real.

So, here's some real talk.

I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I'm sinking.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed again and again. I'm so tired of putting myself out there and allowing myself to bare my heart and lay it all out there only to find out that it was all an act. That no one actually cares.

The thing is, no matter how much I want to go back to the way I used to be, I can't. I've tasted success. I've walked in freedom. I've gained a voice.

I can't just throw it all away.

Real life is hard. It sucks sometimes...sometimes more than others. I'm scared of having to face it on my own. [And before you go telling me that I'm not alone...trust me, I know that.] When I say on my own, I mean...that I have to make the toughest choices of my life for myself. I have to go through life...my life...and try not to screw it up too terribly.

My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry, scared, lonely, disappointed, expectant, joyful, confused. I go from being on top of the world one minute, thinking I've got everything under control, to flat on my face ready to throw in the towel the next.

I have zero security. No stability. And I desperately want that. Desperately.

I know that God is the only way for me to achieve that - but no matter how much time I spend with Him, I have yet to find that lasting stability and security that I crave so desperately.

I know that I can't allow my emotions to dictate my life...but I felt the need to get it out. I feel like blogging is possibly one of the most healthy ways that I could express my thoughts without imploding.

I say implode, because I don't explode. I take all my pent up frustration and anxiety and emotion and take it out on myself. I can't do that anymore though. I just can't. So I blogged.

Is that real enough for you?

The Only Thing that's Good in Me is Jesus

The Only Thing - Ronnie Freeman

I heard someone say the other day
They'd seen in me true love displayed
Blessed by something I had done for them

No sooner did they speak those words
I found myself somehow disturbed
Uneasy as I took their compliment

Because I know the heart inside this man
And I know the truth of who I am

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I've lived long enough to know no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

If you could walk the hallways of my heart
And see things as they really are
I wonder if you might be surprised

Seeing faded walls of pride and fear
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears
And corners where I've stood in compromise

Oh but you'd see the work his grace has done
And you'd know just how far I've come

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I've lived long enough to know that no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

And in a thousand years
When the dust of this world clears
And I look back on my life and see in perfect light

Yeah, yeah, the only thing that's good in me is You, Lord
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know yeah

The only thing that's good in me yeah
The only thing that's good in me yeah
I know me well enough to know no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

It's You.
It's You.
It's You.
It's You.
It's Jesus.

A friend posted this song on her facebook about an hour ago, and I listened to it for the first time. Ever since then, it's been on repeat.

(There's this great website that actually works called Youtube Repeat. All you do is type in repeat after 'youtube' but before '.com' so it looks like youtuberepeat.com/afdsahjf. It repeats whatever song/video you are listening to over and over without you having to click restart. Fantastic invention if you ask me.)

Well, I suppose I'll tell you why this song has hit me so hard tonight. After all, it has been a while since I let you into my head.

Lately it feels as though I have been inundated with people telling me how I radiate hope, joy, love, peace, etc. They tell me how different I am now. They tell me that they look up to my strength for overcoming so much. And to be honest, I feel really awkward when they tell me those things - because I really don't feel like I have changed that much. I don't see the joy, hope, or strength that apparently radiates off of me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that they see those things because that is evidence of the fact that God has changed my life so radically. People don't see death when they look at me anymore. That's huge. But the thing is, I almost feel like people are idolizing my ability to overcome - rather than look towards the Redeemer, the Deliverer...the One who has transformed my life.

It's really hard for me to sit there and hear them say these things about me because I know my faults. I know my struggles. I live with my flaws everyday.

Sometimes, I think that if people knew what I was really like, they wouldn't say those things - rather, they would run away in fear. I feel like I have these expectations that I have to live up to now...that I have to always be happy and strong. I know those are self-imposed expectations though.

What I really want people to see when they look at me is Jesus. He is the only reason I am alive. He is the One who set me free from the depression, the suicidal tendencies, the self injury, and the eating disorder.

Left to my own devices, I would be restricting like crazy, giving in to the temptation that arises to hurt myself, consumed by depression, and wanting to die. I know that, because every time I allow myself to start doing things on my own, that's where I end up. Every time I take a step away from God, I resort back to old behaviours.

I don't want to set those expectations for myself of being strong, whole, and healthy own my own. I can't do it.

I want to decrease to the point that the only good thing that people see when they look at me is Jesus.


P.S. here's the link to the audio version of the song that I posted above.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DZ7YWJvRLw