Friday, June 24, 2011


Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG)

Lately, I've been learning to love. More specifically, I'm learning to love even when it hurts like hell.

Love? Pain? Really? Yes, really. For those of you who haven't learned this yet, love hurts. Sometimes it hurts to the point of physical pain. It hurts because you can't control the other person's actions. You can't make everything better. When they hurt, you hurt. When they push you away, it feels like they're stabbing you in the chest repeatedly. When they're happy, you're happy. The list could go on...

For me, part of learning to love has been learning to let go. To let go of trying to control someone. To let go of trying to fix them, and to place the person in God's hands.

Something I'm learning is that letting go and giving up are not equivalent. I'm letting go of her, but I'm not giving up. I still hold on to hope. I still stand in faith that one day, she will see the truth. I'm believing that when that time comes, she'll come back. And if she doesn't come back to me, then I'm believing that there will be someone there who can guide her back to the Cross.

I refuse to give up. I'm not a quitter, and I'm not quitting on her.

But I am letting go.

"Learning to love even in the pain is far harder than coming out of your own pain."
~ Shandi Bleiken

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Pointless Blog that I Wrote Out of Pure Enjoyment of Life

I'm taking a break from reading the TNU Student Handbook for the gazillionth time to write this blog. For some reason, I just clicked out of the Handbook and came directly here. I'm not exactly sure what I want to write about, but I feel like that's how a lot of my blogs come about.

I talked to my roommate today. She's also one of my closest friends. She's also a current Mercy resident. We decided to be roommates because we know that we live together well. I wish we had more time to talk...instead of fifteen freaking minutes a week. That's not nearly enough time to cover all the roommate basics. Who's bringing what? What kind of study habits do we each have? Lights on or off at night? What's the theme of our dorm room going to be? Are we lofting our beds for more space?

So while taking a break from reading the Student Handbook, I decided to take a break from this blog to go get some orange sherbert. I seem to be taking breaks from everything today!

I'm in a very random mood today. Consistency is boring to me. I have to be doing many things at once to feel as though I'm not bored out of my mind. I guess that's where this blog comes in. There's no real purpose for it. I just felt like writing here, so yay! I am!

A random fact about me:
I love to cut things up. Specifically magazines. I love cutting up magazines to make collages with. Typically, I cut out words, but sometimes pictures too. I would be able to write a very eloquent ransom note using words that I cut out of magazines.

Okay - I'm really strange. I'm not hyper on the outside, like bouncing off balls or anything like that. In fact, if you were to look at me, you'd think that I was rather chill right now, but inside I have so much energy!!!

I should go for a mental run. Or maybe participate in a Spelling Bee. That would give me a wonderful outlet for all my internal energy!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I Want to Write a Book

Hey everyone.

Just so you know, I'm doing so much better than I was last time I posted. I had some serious time with God, and I'm working it out. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life, and well, that is the result.

What brings me here today [other than the fact that it IS my blog] is the conclusion that I have recently come to that I want to write a book. I have the opportunity to sort a book right now which I think is really cool, but I want to write a book all on my own - and just see where it goes.

The way I see it...I write a lot. Not just on here, but elsewhere. I have important things to say. I have learned many valuable lessons. Why not put it all down on paper? I mean, I can't guarantee that it would be published or anything, but I love the idea of writing a book for writing's sake.

I've done some research about writing a book, and I learned that the average paperback has about 250 words per page. At that rate, some of my blogs could be entire chapters...or more. :P

With that all being said, I am going to sit down and start typing. We'll see where that leads me!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Real Talk

Okay, I started this blog with the intention of being real.

So, here's some real talk.

I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I'm sinking.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed again and again. I'm so tired of putting myself out there and allowing myself to bare my heart and lay it all out there only to find out that it was all an act. That no one actually cares.

The thing is, no matter how much I want to go back to the way I used to be, I can't. I've tasted success. I've walked in freedom. I've gained a voice.

I can't just throw it all away.

Real life is hard. It sucks sometimes...sometimes more than others. I'm scared of having to face it on my own. [And before you go telling me that I'm not me, I know that.] When I say on my own, I mean...that I have to make the toughest choices of my life for myself. I have to go through life...and try not to screw it up too terribly.

My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry, scared, lonely, disappointed, expectant, joyful, confused. I go from being on top of the world one minute, thinking I've got everything under control, to flat on my face ready to throw in the towel the next.

I have zero security. No stability. And I desperately want that. Desperately.

I know that God is the only way for me to achieve that - but no matter how much time I spend with Him, I have yet to find that lasting stability and security that I crave so desperately.

I know that I can't allow my emotions to dictate my life...but I felt the need to get it out. I feel like blogging is possibly one of the most healthy ways that I could express my thoughts without imploding.

I say implode, because I don't explode. I take all my pent up frustration and anxiety and emotion and take it out on myself. I can't do that anymore though. I just can't. So I blogged.

Is that real enough for you?

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Only Thing that's Good in Me is Jesus

The Only Thing - Ronnie Freeman

I heard someone say the other day
They'd seen in me true love displayed
Blessed by something I had done for them

No sooner did they speak those words
I found myself somehow disturbed
Uneasy as I took their compliment

Because I know the heart inside this man
And I know the truth of who I am

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I've lived long enough to know no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

If you could walk the hallways of my heart
And see things as they really are
I wonder if you might be surprised

Seeing faded walls of pride and fear
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears
And corners where I've stood in compromise

Oh but you'd see the work his grace has done
And you'd know just how far I've come

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I've lived long enough to know that no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

And in a thousand years
When the dust of this world clears
And I look back on my life and see in perfect light

Yeah, yeah, the only thing that's good in me is You, Lord
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know yeah

The only thing that's good in me yeah
The only thing that's good in me yeah
I know me well enough to know no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

It's You.
It's You.
It's You.
It's You.
It's Jesus.

A friend posted this song on her facebook about an hour ago, and I listened to it for the first time. Ever since then, it's been on repeat.

(There's this great website that actually works called Youtube Repeat. All you do is type in repeat after 'youtube' but before '.com' so it looks like It repeats whatever song/video you are listening to over and over without you having to click restart. Fantastic invention if you ask me.)

Well, I suppose I'll tell you why this song has hit me so hard tonight. After all, it has been a while since I let you into my head.

Lately it feels as though I have been inundated with people telling me how I radiate hope, joy, love, peace, etc. They tell me how different I am now. They tell me that they look up to my strength for overcoming so much. And to be honest, I feel really awkward when they tell me those things - because I really don't feel like I have changed that much. I don't see the joy, hope, or strength that apparently radiates off of me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that they see those things because that is evidence of the fact that God has changed my life so radically. People don't see death when they look at me anymore. That's huge. But the thing is, I almost feel like people are idolizing my ability to overcome - rather than look towards the Redeemer, the Deliverer...the One who has transformed my life.

It's really hard for me to sit there and hear them say these things about me because I know my faults. I know my struggles. I live with my flaws everyday.

Sometimes, I think that if people knew what I was really like, they wouldn't say those things - rather, they would run away in fear. I feel like I have these expectations that I have to live up to now...that I have to always be happy and strong. I know those are self-imposed expectations though.

What I really want people to see when they look at me is Jesus. He is the only reason I am alive. He is the One who set me free from the depression, the suicidal tendencies, the self injury, and the eating disorder.

Left to my own devices, I would be restricting like crazy, giving in to the temptation that arises to hurt myself, consumed by depression, and wanting to die. I know that, because every time I allow myself to start doing things on my own, that's where I end up. Every time I take a step away from God, I resort back to old behaviours.

I don't want to set those expectations for myself of being strong, whole, and healthy own my own. I can't do it.

I want to decrease to the point that the only good thing that people see when they look at me is Jesus.

P.S. here's the link to the audio version of the song that I posted above.
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