tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88483816472237149622024-02-18T18:11:33.061-08:00Do Not Despise Humble BeginningsAlexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-70742667584275695442013-12-14T19:08:00.001-08:002013-12-14T19:15:06.567-08:00to be vulnerable is to be courageous<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>"You can choose comfort or you can choose courage. You can't have both."</i></b></div>
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~ Brene Brown</div>
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Finding yourself in a place where all pretences and facades have been stripped away - where compartmentalization is no longer an option - is quite possibly the most humbling experience a human being can have. To be raw, unguarded, and exposed is excruciatingly painful, yet I'm learning that maybe this is how we're meant to live.<br />
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At least I'm learning that maybe this is how <b><i>I</i></b> am meant to live.<br />
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Vulnerability is uncomfortable. It is awkward, wearisome, and at times, downright distressing.<br />
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As I write this, I'm in a very vulnerable state. I feel naked, laid bare, and exposed before so many people. Everything that I used to hide has now been brought into the light. I'm not just talking a single person's flashlight, either.<br />
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Part of embracing vulnerability has been a choice on my part. It started months ago when I began to let the walls down, little by little, experiencing emotions that I'd kept locked away for years - sitting with those feelings in the presence of another person. It started when I learned that leaning in to discomfort was the only way I was going to make any progress. In the past, I've come up against situations and circumstances similar to the ones I've been facing recently, and instead of opening up, I've shut down. Instead of leaning into and onto my supports, I've run away.<br />
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It has appeared, though, that throughout the course of these last few months, there have been a number of situations that have literally brought me to my knees. It's been a form of vulnerability that I have fought against, but in the end, I lost the fight. It felt compelled and involuntary - and yet I still had a choice. I always have a choice. Would I be honest - revealing the darkest parts of myself, the parts that terrify even me - or would I cling to the pretence that I had everything under control, even though there was plenty of evidence to the contrary?<br />
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<i>I <b>chose</b> honesty. I <b>chose</b> to embrace vulnerability even though it hurt like hell.</i><br />
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I've reached the point of pure exhaustion. I am drained of both physical and emotional energy, and I am void of the ability to compartmentalize. I can no longer keep all the areas of my life wrapped up neat and tidy in their own little boxes - separate. I can no longer maintain composure when I'm being overwhelmed with emotion; it spills out whether I'd like it to or not. I'm afraid of this place because it feels chaotic and out of control. It feels like I'm spinning out, but the reality is, I'm right where I need to be.<br />
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In times of deep pain and hurt, vulnerability feels terrible while simultaneously bringing great relief. People <i>see</i> you. Some people <i>know</i> you. Those people <i><b>love</b></i> you.<br />
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When I show up by bringing my full self to the table (both figuratively and literally), I'm actively choosing to engage in real relationships. I'm choosing to allow people the honour of walking alongside of me, rather than at arm's length. I'm choosing to allow them to hold up my arms when I don't have any strength left. I'm choosing to allow them to fight on my behalf, because they know my battles. They are intimately acquainted with my enemies, even if they may not fully understand them.<br />
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In embracing vulnerability, I have seen more people really show up for me than ever before. I think that's because I'm showing up for them.<br />
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By embracing vulnerability, I have learned that I am not alone, no matter how alone I may feel.<br />
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It may be uncomfortable, awkward, messy, and distressing, but moreso, it's refreshing, satisfying, and invaluable.<br />
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<b><i>To be vulnerable is to be courageous. </i></b></div>
Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-28453538040922463192013-09-22T10:50:00.000-07:002013-09-22T10:59:12.269-07:0021 Things on My 21st Birthday<div style="text-align: center;">
I was born on Tuesday, September 22, 1992 at 2:14pm PST.</div>
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In other words, today is my 21st birthday.</div>
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It's hard to believe that I am blessed enough to say those words. For many years, I didn't think that I would get here, but by the grace of God, I am.<br />
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Every year around my birthday, I tend to get very pensive and I spend a great deal of time reflecting on my life. The fact that my Mercy grad anniversary is September 21 also serves to kick my reflection into high gear. This year marked three years since I graduated the program.<br />
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Typically, my reflection takes on an overtly critical tone. This year, I'm trying to shift that, and that's where this blog comes in. I have an extraordinarily difficult time viewing my life through a lens of grace, and as much as I write and say positive things, I'm often thinking the absolute opposite.<br />
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I've decided to write a list of 21 things that are worth celebrating about me, and my life thus far. I think it's important for me to acknowledge the incredible ways that I've grown and changed throughout the years today - and I want to be dwelling on these things as opposed to the fact that I think I should be further along in my life.<br />
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Without further adieu...<br />
<br />
21 Things to Celebrate About My Life Thus Far...<br />
<br />
1. I am alive.<br />
<ul>
<li>That in and of itself could be the list. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'm still living. My heart is beating, my lungs are breathing, and I have woken up every morning.</li>
</ul>
2. I'm in my junior year of college.<br />
<ul>
<li>So what that the majority of friends my age are seniors and graduating this year? I'm in freaking college, and I'm doing relatively well here. From someone who never thought she'd graduate high school, that's pretty freaking successful.</li>
</ul>
3. I have made incredible friends who love me and desire to celebrate my life.<br />
<ul>
<li>I'm finally learning to have healthy friendships!! That's incredible, and I'm so so so blessed by the friends that i have made throughout the years who have stuck by me, and for the new friends whom I have made since coming to Gordon. </li>
</ul>
4. I have a family that loves me.<br />
<ul>
<li>I may not be living in the same country as them, but I have no doubt in my mind that my family loves me. There has been so much growth in our relationships, and I'm so thankful for the fact that God is in the process of repairing and restoring our family as a whole.</li>
</ul>
5. I haven't hurt myself in over three years.<br />
<ul>
<li>'nuff said.</li>
</ul>
6. God loves me.<br />
<ul>
<li>I'm finally beginning to grasp that...for real.</li>
</ul>
7. I have developed a strong support network that extends beyond my friend group.<br />
<ul>
<li>I don't know what I would do if I didn't have people who were willing to mentor me, counsel me, and pour into my life. </li>
</ul>
8. I have learned so many skills that are useful in maintaining my recovery.<br />
<ul>
<li>I'm finally getting to a place where I am confident in the skills that I have gained, and I know how to implement them. (Whether I do it or not is an entirely different story...but we're getting there!)</li>
</ul>
9. I'm gaining experience in a field that makes me feel extremely fulfilled.<br />
<ul>
<li>My internship with Amirah that I began over the summer has continued into the Fall, and I'm learning so much still. I feel like I am a valued member of the team, and it's actually so nice to feel like I'm contributing things of importance.</li>
</ul>
10. I've been given countless opportunities to walk with people through hard times.<br />
<ul>
<li>It's always such a blessing to me when I'm given the opportunity to walk with a friend who's struggling, or when I encounter a person who just needs someone to be there and support them...and when I get to do that, I feel so filled up. It's splendid. </li>
</ul>
11. I've learned not to take myself too seriously.<br />
<ul>
<li>Sometimes we all just need to laugh at ourselves...</li>
</ul>
12. I have found my voice, and I'm no longer afraid to use it.<br />
<ul>
<li>I have important things to say, and over the years, I've found myself speaking up more and more. I am allowed to take up space, and I am allowed to be heard. If that's not something to celebrate, I don't know what is.</li>
</ul>
13. I've had the opportunity to travel some.<br />
<ul>
<li>The more I talk to people, the more I realize that even if I've only been out of the US and Canada twice, I've seen more of both of these countries than a LOT of other people. I've been blessed with the opportunity to visit friends and family across the continent, and to travel by myself and go on so many great adventures. There's going to be plenty more to come as well!</li>
</ul>
14. Not only has my biological family gotten closer, but I have been blessed with a chosen family that just keeps growing.<br />
<ul>
<li>I love my family - biological and "adopted". I'm so thankful that I've been placed in families across the continent, and I know that I have big sisters who love me, and big brothers who'll protect me, and an extra set of parents who'd love me like I was their own if given the chance!</li>
</ul>
15. I'm learning to give myself grace and to trust in the process.<br />
<ul>
<li>Life is a process, and I'm learning that making mistakes is perfectly acceptable, and actually normal. To slip up and to "fall forward" is something that is definitely manageable, and I'm learning to take something away from each time I fall to help me keep moving forward. It's slow going at times, but it's still forward motion. </li>
</ul>
16. I haven't been in intensive ED treatment in over a year!<br />
<ul>
<li>That's a pretty huge one for me. A year out of treatment is a big deal.</li>
</ul>
17. When people look at me, they see someone who is full of joy and hope, not despair.<br />
<ul>
<li>I used to look completely different - even physically. My eyes were dull and lifeless. I looked exhausted and defeated. Now...I'm so full of life! If people didn't know, they'd never guess that I've been well-acquainted with hopelessness for many years. That's definitely the grace of God all over me. </li>
</ul>
18. I can just be me.<br />
<ul>
<li>I'm starting to embrace the fact that I don't have to change to meet other people's crazy expectations for myself. As I discover who I am as an individual, I'm able to embrace that. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not, and there's so much freedom in that!</li>
</ul>
19. I have unshakeable hope.<br />
<ul>
<li>Professionals think my hope is awespiring, and it comes in handy when I'm having a rough time...even if sometimes I get frustrated by my inability to let go of that. Thankfully, my hope is in God and not in things of this world...definitely makes things a lot easier.</li>
</ul>
20. I have been able to identify my strengths and weaknesses, and look for ways to improve in the areas where I need to go, and look for ways to implement my strengths that make me feel useful!<br />
<ul>
<li>It's been a process...even getting to the point that I can acknowledge that I have strengths....but it's great. Humbling, quite often, but so so good.</li>
</ul>
21. Finally, because this is like...the biggest thing...I'M STILL HERE.<br />
<ul>
<li>It's the same as number one, but man...this is huge. I'm legitimately alive, and I'm still fighting, and I'm never ever giving up. </li>
</ul>
Thus concludes my list of things to celebrate. If, by chance, you are able to come up with more things that you want to celebrate about my life, feel free to comment. I would really appreciate your thoughts!!Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-39779356310517100332013-08-16T19:32:00.000-07:002013-08-16T20:26:43.957-07:00it's often easier to rebuild than to redeem<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;"><b><i style="background-color: white;">"It’s often easier to rebuild than to redeem."</i></b></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">I've always been apt to believe this statement, and for many years, I lived this way.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">Imagine your house was completely gutted by a fire, but structurally, the building was <i>mostly</i> sound. You lost everything you owned - with the exception of a few things that managed to survive the fire, and even those last few things have severe water damage from the firefighting efforts. Of course, you still hold the memories in your heart, but every material possession that held any value to you - destroyed. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">How do you fix it? All costs aside, you have two options - demolition and rebuilding your house from the ground up, or hours and hours and hours of scraping through the ash and the rubble of your former life - cleaning it up enough to start massive renovations to make your home habitable once more. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">Rebuilding your house would be easier emotionally, and quite possibly practically. The demolition work wouldn't be that hard - your house was already essentially destroyed. And then the rebuilding starts. You get to design your own brand new home. You get to make absolutely certain that the wiring is up-to-code, the rooms are built exactly how you want them, and the decor is precisely your style. At the end of the process, you have a brand new home with brand new everything, and you can make brand new memories. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Crimson Text, Georgia, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 17.77777862548828px; line-height: 22.981481552124023px;">To renovate your house and get rid of any evidence of fire, you have to be willing to get dirty. You have to face the mess, the damage, and the debris. You have to assess the situation, see what can be salvaged and what has to be replaced. You have to consult with numerous professionals and get multiple quotes to compare. Finally, you actually get to start the work of fixing the place up and restoring your home to it's original state, with the option of changing it up a bit if you would like. Maybe you were just waiting for an excuse to buy that new living room set, or that new TV. Maybe you wanted to change the colour scheme, but had never gotten around to it. (Life always seems to get in the way of those sorts of things, doesn't it?) By the time you're done, you have your home back. It has the same foundation, the same shell as your old house, but the insides are a heck of a lot nicer now then they were before the fire. </span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">Now, I have never experienced a house fire, so I don't know which option I would choose in this circumstance. I don't think either one is wrong. One option is not better than the other here, they're just different. Maybe rebuilding your house from the ground up is the best choice for you, and maybe you are committed to restoring your old house to a standard that is pleasing. Either way, you've dealt with the issue - you had a house fire, and you needed to do something about it. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">I'm going to use the house fire as a metaphor for other things in our personal lives that seem to have just as devastating an effect on our wellbeing, but this time, it's our emotional self that's being impacted. I understand that these things are very different, but please bear with me.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">As many of you who read this blog know, my mental health has been a struggle for me throughout the years. I've been diagnosed with a laundry list of mental illnesses, and I've had to walk through a lot of hard times as a result. Many times throughout the years, I felt as though my life was in shambles. I've pretty much always had hope that one day, things would normalize and I would be free of the torment I suffered through on a daily basis. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">As a result of my struggles, I burned a lot of bridges. I kept people at arms length, and when the rare few were able to slip past my protective front, I pushed them away. I gave up on my education for a few years. Whenever things would get too overwhelming, I'd move on. I'd recreate my life from the ground up. Sometimes that meant moving across the country. Sometimes it meant changing schools. It usually always involved a change in location of some sort. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">I can't even tell you how many times I up and changed my whole life because I had messed things up so badly and I felt like I needed a fresh start, a chance to do things right. I took the easy way and rebuilt my life from scratch repeatedly - in hopes that things would be better this time around. I made new friends, I took new classes, I learned a new way of life - and sometimes, it even worked for a short time...long enough to deceive myself into believing that - miracle of miracles, I was healed! I always picked up a new hobby to go along with my new life, and I obsessed over it. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">Evidently, that didn't work for me, because a few months later I just wanted to do the same thing again. Drop everything, and rebuild my life from scratch. The last time I moved, I was moving to yet another new school, with new friends, new classes. I was moving to a place where no one knew me. This time, I decided I'd try something new. I committed to viewing my first semester at Gordon as an experiment (like I'd heard plenty of times the previous summer..."You've lived your whole life one way, and it hasn't worked yet. Why not try something new? View it as an experiment. If you don't like it, you can always go back to your old way of life later...).</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">I decided to let down my guard. I allowed people to know me - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Healthy people who might run at any given moment. People who weren't being paid to stick by me through hell and high water. I opened up to people and learned to ask for support when I needed it, and I experienced mutually beneficial relationships with people who saw me as a human being for what felt like the first time in my life. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">Instead of running from my past, I started to face up to it. I began to ask God to redeem the brokenness that was my life, because only He could take something that rough around the edges and make it smooth again. I stood firm, began to address the...shit, and I began to mature into a person I never, ever thought I could be. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">For me, rebuilding or recreating my life was so much easier. It was more like running away and deceiving myself, but it was a new life nonetheless. For me, it was not the right option. A change of scenery, new people, new hobbies, a new school...that was never enough for me to change. A new life wasn't what I needed. I needed to be transformed.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">My life is undergoing major renovation, even still. I struggle. I have lapses. I have issues that need to be addressed. I have to continually remind myself that walls are important for the structure of my 'house', but every room needs to have an entrance. Doors exist for a reason, and they can be opened and shut when they need to be. For me, the right decision was to choose to stand firm, and ask God to redeem my life. He's taking the brokenness and restoring it to what it is supposed to be. It's hard, and more often than not, it hurts like absolute hell, but I have a feeling that all this work that's going into my life right now is <b><i>definitely</i></b> going to be worth it. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">When you recreate your life from the ground up, all those bridges that you burned don't matter. You don't have to fix all the damaged buildings, or cracked windows. You don't have to fill in the potholes. You just replace them. You repave the roads, rebuild the bridges, build a whole new house. Essentially, you get to leave all that in the dust and move on. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">Perhaps, for some of you, that is the right option. Maybe there really is nothing left for you in your currently environment. Maybe you do need to create a whole new circle of friends. Maybe a location change is a must to get away from your old habits. That's entirely okay...heck, even I needed one last change in location to allow myself the freedom of hunkering down to do the real work that needs to be done. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">Maybe you were like me...always hoping that a change of scenery or new friends or a new school or a new life would be the solution. I promise you that it's not. You're always there...where ever you go. I urge you to consider taking an honest inventory of your life - your strengths, weaknesses, life experiences...and seeing what there is to work with. If you think there's not much there, well, maybe there's not...but there's always SOMETHING. It might be a tiny ring buried somewhere in the rubble of the charred remains of your house, but there's always something. Hold on to that something, and use that as the springboard into the major renovations that are going to take place in your life. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Crimson Text', Georgia, serif; font-size: 18.18181800842285px; line-height: 22.999998092651367px; text-align: justify;">But please, don't lose hope. Even the most broken, pitiful lives can be 'renovated', restored, and yes, even redeemed. </span><br />
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Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-84392714853373833112013-06-23T08:03:00.000-07:002013-06-23T08:03:13.349-07:00Creating a New Frame of ReferenceYou all know how I work. I read something or I hear something, and my mind starts spinning a mile a minute and I have to get it out. This morning is another one of those times, so bear with me.<br />
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I was reading a blog and someone had written a guest post sharing a precious story about her 6 year old daughter requesting that her mom play the song Daylight by Maroon 5 saying that it was her favourite song, and then shared her interpretation of that song. She didn't like the morning because that mean she had to go to school, but she loved nighttime when her mom would tuck her in and snuggle with her.<br />
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Children make sense of their world by using their experience as a frame of reference. The nightly tuck-in routine became this six year old girl's point of reference - her source of comfort, her go-to place.<br />
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Of course, with my introspective nature, my mind is spiralling thinking about what I've used as my point of reference, and what I would like my frame of reference to be from here on out.<br />
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The first thing that pops into my mind when I think "Point of Reference" is my eating disorder. It's what I've used as a source of comfort for years. It provided me with a sense of security, and a feeling that I could actually be good at something. When things would get rough and scary in the real world, I'd retreat back to the familiar comforts of restricting, overexercising, and binging and purging. Even in treatment, I refused to fully release my grip on the eating disorder, because I still wanted it to be there as my Plan B.<br />
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My life experience has essentially consisted of long periods of disorder and chaos with short periods of respite. I've lived my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it always does. Something always happens, and I crumble. This has been my frame of reference - my experience.<br />
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Now, it begs the question, <b>what do I want my frame of reference to be?</b><br />
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I want to create a new frame of reference - a new set of experiences - that point me in the direction of life. I want to live based on a framework of love, security, and peace that comes from the Holy Spirit. Instead of allowing circumstances and situations to pull the rug out from under me, I want to be consistent - falling on my knees in worship. The Lord is my Deliverer. He is my Provider, my Shelter, my Strong Tower - and I want HIM to be my point of reference.<br />
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I want HIM to be what I measure my life experience against and base my actions around.<br />
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Practically, I've been thinking about what this looks like - and I think that it's just going to take practice, a lot of perspective shifts, and even more grace.<br />
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Firstly, I need to surrender my Plan B. This needs to happen, because as long as I'm holding on to the possibility of relapse, I'm preventing myself from experiencing the abundant life that comes when a life is fully committed to the things of God.<br />
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Second, I need to allow myself to try things that I've never done before because I've been afraid of the outcome. What is there to fear when God is on my side?<br />
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Third, I need to get my priorities straight. When I'm focused on myself and the things that I have to/can't do, I'm neglecting the big picture things. I need to prioritize early bedtimes so that I'm able to wake up early enough to start my day off right - dedicating my day to God. This month has been tremendously great in terms of quiet times. I'm going to sleep at 10pm and waking up at 7am, and I'm well-rested and alert and enjoying starting my day off with my Bible, my journal, and the Holy Spirit.<br />
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And finally, I need to continue to let other people speak life to me. I was not created to do life on my own, and I'm doing really good at seeking out accountability and being authentic with them. I'm actually really proud of how far I've come in this area.<br />
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So, all this to say, a paradigm shift is on it's way.<br />
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<br />Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-83276692289289114602013-06-18T11:15:00.001-07:002013-06-18T11:15:12.059-07:00What Does It Mean To Show Up?So, I am THE master procrastinator. I know a lot of people try to claim that title, but I promise that it belongs to me. When I woke up this morning, I fully had the intention of getting to work right away on the few things I have to do for my internship today, and it's noon and I still haven't even opened up a document to start.<br />
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What has my method of procrastination been today? Well, allow me to tell you. I started on Facebook and read a daily reminder from Brave Girls Club, which made me think to go over to tumblr to search and see what the tag Brave Girls Club held, then I clicked on a blog which looked interesting and explored that for a few pages until I came across a TED talk video. I love TED Talks, so I decided, "What the heck!?" It was entitled "Lessons from the Mental Hospital" by Glennon Doyle Melton, and if you know me, you know why I find that title so fascinating. If you don't know me, it's because I'm a tad bit crazy myself.<br />
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It was honestly one of the most relatable TED Talks I've ever watched. So of course, what did I do next? I googled Glennon Doyle Melton and ended up on her website - Momastery.com. She wrote a book called "Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts On Life Unarmed", and I listened to the portion of the audiobook that's offered for free on her website, and I loved it - which then sent me to Youtube to see what else she's spoken about and I watched a ton of videos of her speaking at various events and TV shows and whatnot. (Welcome to my life everyday. I find something interesting and it takes up half my day researching about it or watching videos or anything!)<br />
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One thing she talks about all the time is showing up. Part of her story is that she is a recovering bulimic, alcoholic, and addict and on Mother's Day 2002, she found out she was pregnant, and at that moment - she knew she had to stop running from life and just show up. She started showing up to life in whatever state she was in, and she realized how unbelievably "brutiful" life is. (That's a mix between brutal and beautiful, in case you were having trouble decoding that word...) Glennon is very into authenticity, and it was a breath of fresh air to hear her speak so candidly about so many of the questions I ask myself on a daily basis.<br />
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Now, she shows up at her computer to blog about all sorts of things. Her website has a following of 60 000 "monkees", she's written a book, and she speaks all over the place - sharing her story and what she's learned along the way about what it means to just show up as you are without all the "superhero capes" that people use to hide their true selves.<br />
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What she said really got me thinking about what it means for me to show up, personally, especially in the season of life that I'm in right now. Currently, I'm doing a summer internship at an organization called Amirah, living in NH and commuting to Mass three times a week, spending a lot of time with God, and fighting very hard to walk in victory over the issues I've been dealing with for years day after day. It's not an easy season.<br />
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Please don't get me wrong. I LOVE my internship, and I am SO very blessed by the family that I'm staying with for the summer. In that respect, this summer is probably the best summer I've had in a long while. I'm building relationships, crossing new things off my summer bucket list every day, and gaining experience doing something that I truly enjoy. The blessings that God has poured out on my life are incredible, and although my summer looks nothing like I originally thought it would, it is so much better than anything I ever could have planned for myself.<br />
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However, things have been far from easy when it comes to dealing with the eating disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. Close to the end of the school year, I had a mini-meltdown, and now I'm in the process of regaining my footing. When I went home and my living situation for the summer fell through and I thought I'd have to stay at home for the summer, I allowed myself to fall into the familiar pattern of ED behaviours that always follows shortly after things that I have planned go awry. It was only a short time this time, because I ended up finding a place to stay and coming back.<br />
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The thing is, that pattern of lapsing into old behaviours at home needs to change. A close sister-friend called me out when I was at home, and pointed out to me that the choices and actions that I make now are going to affect my future. It's not just a short term thing - I'm setting myself up to continue the pattern of slipping back into behaviours that fit like a glove whenever times get tough, and that doesn't just affect me. It affects my future spouse, my family, my friends, the people that I am going to be ministering to.<br />
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Sometimes, life just feels so hard. Yes, God is faithful. Yes, His Word is true. Yes, He is constant. But life is still hard, and I am of the opinion that life is supposed to be hard. Loneliness is meant to propel us towards people and teach us to invest in relationships. Fear teaches us to trust that God is able. I could go on and on.<br />
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So, now...what does it mean for me to show up in this season when things are good, but still incredibly difficult?<br />
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I think it means that I get out of bed every day and spend time in the Word and journaling. It means that I show up at each meal and be present. It means that I engage in meaningful discussions about life-giving topics. It means that when I'm feeling depressed and anxious, I talk about it. I ask for prayer. I don't allow my pride to silence me in the times where I need to be humble. It means that I follow through with adding the extra snack. To show up means that I acknowledge where I'm at and let that be okay - while still moving forward in a way that is going to be challenging in a supported environment.<br />
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It's high time that I start acknowledging my feelings instead of pushing them down and pretending they don't exist or that I'm okay all the time. That caught up to me and I felt like I was drowning in emotions that I didn't know how to express. So now, I start showing up to feel my emotions. I start showing up when the last thing I want to do is get out of bed and face the world.<br />
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Joyce Meyer says that feelings are fickle, and I do agree. Feelings ARE fickle. In the past, however, I have used that as an excuse to deny that my feelings are valid, to essentially say that feelings are bad and I should never allow myself to feel them. I'm learning that that's not the case though. Yeah, I probably shouldn't make decisions based on my emotions, nor should I allow my emotions to dictate my entire life. But to experience my emotions and acknowledge that my feelings are present? That is perfectly okay, and in reality, it's a VERY healthy thing to do.<br />
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So today, I'm choosing to show up. I'm choosing to show up and feel my emotions. I'm choosing to show up and eat that extra snack. I'm choosing to show up and do the next right thing. For now? That's a great starting place.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-86125938991122944752013-04-20T21:20:00.000-07:002013-04-20T21:20:23.976-07:00As Iron Sharpens Iron...Second blog in a day. Only happens once in a blue moon!<br />
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I'm sitting here on my friend's bed right now and she's fast asleep next to me. The sound of her breath - in, out, in, out - a familiar rhythm that quiets my racing thoughts. That's been a relatively common occurrence here on L3E over the past few months. I'm struck by just how thankful I am to have friends with whom I can just be.<br />
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Today, I went to the mall with two of my friends, and we had a good day just shopping for things that they both needed, and I went along as the driver because I wanted to get off campus. On Wednesday, I went for a walk around the pond with two other friends. Last week, we celebrated my friend's 21st birthday by taking a group of 10 of us to the beach at 6am to attempt to watch the sun rise and instead watched an early morning thunderstorm and ran around in the rain by the Atlantic Ocean and then ate pie and fruit for breakfast in a circle under a gazebo.<br />
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Tonight as I was talking with my friend and reflecting on the last decade of my life and reading old blogs, I realized just how far I have come over the years. When I was thirteen, I wrote about being desperate for someone to see me for me. When I was sixteen, I talked about longing for friends who would be willing to just hold me and not feel the need to speak to fill the silence. Last year, on this very blog, I wrote about how I want to experience authentic, Biblical community. Now? I'm beginning to live that out.<br />
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I feel more loved here at Gordon than I have anywhere else in my entire life aside from at Mercy. Here, I'm not only a student in the academic world, but I'm learning what it means to engage in real relationships in person. I'm learning what a mutually beneficial friendship looks like. I'm learning how to determine who the safe people are, and how to let them into my life without running away. I'm learning to let people love the broken parts of me. I'm learning how to be present and sit with my emotions while someone sits with me in that. I'm learning that reaching out in times of need is not a burden, it's a necessary part of being in relationship with people who care about my well-being.<br />
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For my entire life, I've felt lonely. I've felt like I've been living on the fringes of the social world. Tonight, I can honestly say that I'm not on the fringes anymore. I fit here. I belong here. I've found people who see past my brokenness. I've found people who love me simply for being me. These precious friends have been the hands and feet of Jesus to me over the last few months.<br />
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There's so much redemption here.<br />
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In the silence. Listening to her breathe - in, out, in, out.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-22307061221935237652013-04-20T08:46:00.002-07:002013-04-20T08:51:22.478-07:00Redefining Healthy<br />
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health·y</h2>
<sup style="bottom: 1ex; color: #333333; font-family: verdana; font-size: 0.75em; height: 0px; line-height: 1; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline;"></sup><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span class="pronset" style="color: #333333; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"><span class="show_spellpr" style="display: inline;"><span class="prondelim" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">[</span><span class="pron" style="display: inline; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><span class="boldface" style="font-weight: 700;">hel</span>-thee</span><span class="prondelim" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">]</span> </span></span><br />
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<span class="pg" style="color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; padding-right: 3px;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">adjective,</span> </span></span><span class="secondary-bf" style="color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">health·i·er,</span> </span><span class="secondary-bf" style="color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold;">health·i·est.</span><br />
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<span class="dnindex" style="color: #7b7b7b; display: block; float: left; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="color: #333333; cursor: default;">1.</span></span></span><br />
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<span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">possessing</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">enjoying</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">good</span> </span>health<span id="hotword"> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> </span>sound<span id="hotword"> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">and</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">vigorous</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">mentality:</span> </span><span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">healthy</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">body;</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">healthy</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">mind.</span></span></span></div>
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<span class="dnindex" style="color: #7b7b7b; display: block; float: left; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 1em; font-weight: bold; width: 28px;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="color: #333333; cursor: default;">2.</span></span></span><br />
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<span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">pertaining</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">to</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">characteristic</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">of</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">good</span> </span>health<span id="hotword">, <span id="hotword" name="hotword">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">sound</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">and</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">vigorous</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">mind:</span> </span><span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">healthy</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">appearance;</span><span id="hotword" name="hotword">healthy</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="cursor: default;">attitudes.</span></span></span></div>
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<span class="ital-inline" style="display: inline; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-style: italic;"><span name="hotword" style="cursor: default;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As far as I can tell, the above definition is a very good thing. The majority of the world sees being 'healthy' as an ideal to strive towards. To me, however, the term healthy has taken on a distorted definition. As someone who has dealt with eating issues for more than half my life, I don't think I have ever been fully healthy, as the above definition describes it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To be honest, when I think of healthy, I don't think of the definition by dictionary.com. To me, healthy is the equivalent of fat (but only for me!). Now, I know that's not logical or true, but that is one distorted belief that I am still in the process of overcoming. When someone tells me, "Wow, you look so healthy!", my first response is to assume that they mean that I look like I've gained weight. Realistically, that's generally when people tell me I look healthy, so it is understandable why I think the way that I do. However, when people tell me I look healthy, they don't usually mean it purely based on physical appearance. When people tell me I look healthy, they've also said that I look like I have the light back in my eyes, I look genuinely happy, my skin is glowing, my hair looks so much healthier. Those are all incredibly positive attributes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So why, then, do I choose not to hear the positive things, and translate healthy into fat? Why is it that the majority of my friends who also have eating disorders do the same thing? Where along the lines did healthy become a negative thing, and how do I reconcile the true definition of healthy with what I believe it to mean?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm continually progressing towards the ever elusive "recovered" state, and I get closer with each step that I take. As a result, I have decided that it is time for me to redefine healthy in my life. Since I believe in the freedom principle, a.k.a. freedom in Christ, it is imperative to ensure that my definition of health includes a holistic view that does not neglect the importance of my spiritual health, as well as my physical, mental, and social health. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to take some space to flesh out what I think that healthy ought to mean in each of those categories. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Physical Health:</span></div>
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<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Maintaining a weight that is appropriate for my height</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Getting adequate nutrition</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Organs functioning properly</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Functioning metabolism</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Strong immune system</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Normal circadian rhythm</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Regular hunger and fullness cues</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Correct levels of vitamins and minerals</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Normal lab results</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Building bone density and/or preventing further deterioration</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Strong, shiny hair</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Regular menstrual cycle</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Physically active in ways that are enjoyable</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Balanced brain chemistry</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Vitals within the normal range</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Strong, clean teeth</span></li>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Mental Health</span></div>
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<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Able to cope with stressors appropriately</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Good concentration levels</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Stable mood - no extreme highs and lows</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Can experience emotions without getting overwhelmed by them</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Have a realistic view of self - can accept shortcomings without becoming distraught and can celebrate the positives without feeling guilty</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Does not have a distorted view of physical self</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Utilizes healthy coping strategies to manage urges</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Does not experience panic attacks</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Words and actions are in alignment</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Aware of potential areas of struggle and works to put strategies in place to prevent slips</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Flexible and able to accept change</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Constantly pursuing personal growth in a way that enriches life</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">No suicidal ideation</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sets goals and creates a practical guide to accomplishing them</span></li>
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<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Can function effectively as part of a group and as an individual without extreme feelings of dependence or isolation</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Creates a solid support system who is available in times of need</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Puts appropriate boundaries in place</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Able to say no</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Establishes healthy, mutual relationships and avoids unhealthy ones</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Identifies needs within relationships and communicates them effectively</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Does not run away when relationships start to get intimate - either platonically or romantically</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Functions in many different roles in relationships, rather than just reverting back to caretaker every time</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Able to be vulnerable with safe people</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Identifies trustworthy people and invests in those relationships</span></li>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Spiritual Health</span></div>
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<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Prioritizes the discipline of prayer and meditation</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Maintain an attitude of servanthood (while still having boundaries and not being a doormat)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Engages in fellowship with other believers</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Explores the concept of faith and constantly examining how it fits into life</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Obeying God's commands</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Engages in times of private and corporate worship</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Takes thoughts captives and replaces lies with truth from God's Word</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Reads the Bible regularly</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Be plugged in to a local church </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Seeks accountability relating to spiritual matters</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Participates in spiritually enriching conversations</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Experiences a sense of wholeness through God</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Operates out of an attitude of forgiveness rather than contempt and bitterness</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Does not try to accomplish difficult things in human strength, but relies on the strength of God</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Does not base decisions solely on emotions, but looks at what God says - feelings are fickle, but God is constant</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Lives based on freedom in Christ</span></li>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By no means is this a comprehensive list, but this is just the beginning of my thoughts about what health is and what it means to be healthy. I think that the definition of healthy is fluid depending on life stages and circumstances, so I want to be flexible in my approach to the notion of health and be willing to add or remove attributes as I learn and grow more. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Based on this list, healthy no longer has a negative connotation, but it takes on the positive attributes that other people deem worthy of striving towards. I'm not saying that believe everything on this list right now, but this is what I want healthy to mean for me, and this is what I am going to strive to believe from now on. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, when somebody says, "You look so healthy!", I'm going to smile and say thank you, because I know they are paying me a genuine compliment. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All that being said, I'm definitely interested in what you all think that healthy means. Please leave a comment with your thoughts about the meaning of health!</span></div>
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Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-44508434139580983452013-02-19T09:08:00.001-08:002013-02-19T09:08:19.063-08:00The Body of Christ at Gordon College
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I've been here at Gordon College for 5 weeks and 2 days - no, I promise I'm not counting intentionally. I've just got a running calendar in my brain. I'm adjusting very well, and I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has placed me here at Gordon for such a time as this. </div>
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A big thing on this campus is community, but I've discovered that no matter how much superficial community there may be, everyone is sort of isolated within themselves. My goal over the next few years is to begin to find a way to develop intimacy within the context of healthy, biblical community. </div>
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On this campus, people pretend that they have it all together and the real issues are almost taboo to talk about, but I don't really care about that. I came into Gordon with the mentality of developing authentic relationships, and that requires being real and honest with people about where you're at…while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. I've found that as I've shared bits and pieces of my heart with people, they're able to open up and it breaks down the walls that are so common on this campus. I've seen that as I've been intentional about authenticity, it's beginning to spread at least throughout my dorm and with the transfers that I came in with. </div>
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I've talked a lot about community in previous blogs, and I've been exploring the concept for quite some time, but it's taking on a new depth to me in this season. Living together with a roommate, 14 other girls on my floor, 96 [ish] people in my dorm, and 1500 students on campus really brings the issue of community to the forefront. How do we live cohesively as a unit in a way that is glorifying to God?</div>
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In 1 Corinthians 12:12-26, Paul is talking about how we, as believers in Christ, all belong to one body. It gives the picture of a physical body saying that each part has a function and a purpose. One part of the body cannot perform the same tasks as another part. It simply was not created that way. As a result of this, if we lose the use of one part of the body, we do suffer a great loss. The other parts of the body eventually adapt to pick up some of the duties of the other part of the body, but it doesn't make the situation better. </div>
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Verses 25-26 (MSG) say this:</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><i>The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.</i></span></blockquote>
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If I take this and apply it to life at Gordon (which is applicable because we could be considered the Church with a capital C), I interpret it as saying that each student, each faculty member, each staff has something crucial to contribute to the community at Gordon. To live in intimate, biblical, Christ-centered community, it is evident that we have to recognize the fact that we are all individuals with unique things that we are able to bring to the table, yet find a way to appreciate that and not say that since we're all so different, we should just stay within our little cliques or friend groups. </div>
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One of my desires for Gordon College as a whole is that we open our eyes and our arms to the people who surround us on a daily basis and welcome them into our lives. I've talked to countless people in the past 5 weeks who feel so isolated and lonely because no one has taken the time to step back and invite them in. These people who live on the fringes of the Gordon bubble have much to contribute - their voice matters just as much as the rest of us - and we should live in a way that amplifies each other's voices and encourages the strengths of others. </div>
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Practically, I think that the first step to achieving a goal as broad as this would be to step out of your comfort zone and talk to someone who seems to be completely different than someone you would normally associate yourself with. There are so many different types of people here, and we learn valuable lessons by interacting with those who are not the same as us. Have a conversation. Sit with a different group of people at dinner. </div>
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If the people reading this take only one thing away, let it be this:</div>
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<i><b>Live intentionally. Seek out new relationships. Embrace the uncomfortable, for that is where the transformation takes place. </b></i></div>
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Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-60162922589353741182013-02-10T21:33:00.001-08:002013-02-10T21:33:51.269-08:00I Will Climb This Mountain With My Hands Wide OpenI've been here at Gordon College for exactly four weeks today, and I can't even explain how great it feels to be here.<br />
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The first two weeks of being here were extremely challenging - physically, academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I missed my brother more than anything, and although I never really wanted to go home, I found myself missing the comfort and predictability of home more than I would care to admit.<br />
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All the fears and anxieties I had coming in have been assuaged though, and I really am thriving. God has been so faithful in the transition here, and I'm very proud of the progress and the steps I've taken to ensure that this transition has been a success.<br />
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I realized early on that I could not do this alone - so within the first week of being here, I had set up a system of accountability for myself that has greatly assisted me with staying on track. I have weekly meetings with a mentor who checks in with me and who I feel safe enough to be honest with, and I also meet with a woman in the Academic Support Center to help me with time management. There's also another Mercy grad on campus who I've gotten the opportunity to connect with and she's definitely been a great help in feeling connected. I love her.<br />
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When it comes to meals, I try to plan to eat as many as I can with other people. If I plan my meals, I have no excuse not to go. Also, that is a wonderful opportunity for me to get to know people and hear their stories and their heart for the Lord.<br />
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My roommate has been incredible, and the people in my dorm are super friendly. I consider myself extremely blessed to be living in a dorm that is known all across campus for it's community. It's the smallest, and oldest dorm on campus, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.<br />
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Also, God has opened some doors for me to walk alongside of a couple girls around campus as they go through some similar things that I have come out of. It's really encouraging to me to be able to share the tools that I've learned and encourage them that freedom is real and that they can get here too. I've very excited to see how God continues to move in their lives, and I fully intend on sticking with them through this process.<br />
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Another thing that I'm in the process of doing right now is applying to be a resident advisor for next semester. Essentially, that means that I would have a leadership position on the floor, and I would be responsible for facilitating community and building relationships with the girls on my floor. If you've been following my blog for the past couple years, you'd know that that is an issue that I've really been thinking about and praying through and I really feel as though this would be a great opportunity for me to put my learning into practice.<br />
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Being an RA is something that would get me out of my comfort zone, and I know that it would be a huge challenge for me. I'm really excited about that though, because since coming to Gordon, my whole thing has been getting out of my comfort zone and being uncomfortable but moving forward anyways. I've learned that it's in those times where I'm living outside of my comfort zone that growth occurs. I long to live a life of constant growth and learning.<br />
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Moving forward in my personal, spiritual, and academic life is something that I place so much value in right now. I want my years at Gordon to be transformative. I want to graduate from here as someone who's life has been enriched and who's worldview has been expanded. I'm taking every opportunity I'm given very seriously (but not too seriously because I still like to have fun!).<br />
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Another thing that I love about being here is all the opportunities we have to worship. We have chapel twice a week and convocation on Fridays, Chasement on Thursday nights, and Catacombs on Sunday nights. It's such a blessing to gather with other students and worship.<br />
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Tonight, I went to Catacombs and it was so refreshing. God really challenged me with a single line from one of the songs - "There's nothing I hold onto." I realized that even though I've been doing really well here at Gordon and it's been incredible, I've still been holding onto some things that I need to surrender to the Lord. It's a constant struggle for me when it comes to certain things, because I'll surrender them, but then I'll pick them back up again. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel...but now, I'm getting off that wheel and surrendering them once and for all, and it's going to be a long process, but I'm excited for what it's going to look like to walk it out.<br />
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Overall, my first four weeks at Gordon have been nothing short of unforgettable. I've met so many new people, learned so many new things, experienced freedom in ways that I never thought possible for myself, and seen God move in real, tangible ways. If this is any indication of what the next two and a half years here are going to look like, then I have no doubt that these years will be some of the best years of my life.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-89292495186415789002013-01-01T22:58:00.002-08:002013-01-02T00:10:06.897-08:00I'm Going to Gordon!So now that I'm officially going to college, I suppose I should update this blog. It's not like anyone reads it regularly, but since I used it back in 2011 to talk about my decision between Gordon and Trevecca, I feel it is only appropriate.<br />
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I'm going to Gordon College.</div>
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I move into the dorms on January 13. This is so beyond surreal. </div>
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I'm SO excited! It's finally happening! I'm finally going to school to study something that I'm genuinely interested in. I'm finally moving out and becoming independent. I'm finally figuring out who I am and what I want to do. The campus is absolutely stunning and it has a great reputation in the realm of Christian higher education.</div>
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So why, then, am I so terrified?</div>
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Since I found out that I got the money for the deposit, I haven't been able to sleep and when I do sleep, i'm having nightmares of everything that could possibly go wrong. From being denied at the border, to having a terrible roommate, to relapsing so hard while I'm there, to not making any friends.</div>
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I've always been very uncomfortable with the unknown, hence why I research EVERYTHING obsessively. </div>
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I can tell you exactly how many students go to Gordon, the exact distance from the front door of my house to the campus at Gordon, the names of all the different dorms, the times that every single course is being offered this semester and who is teaching them, and more. </div>
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I've found a few people who are currently students and I've been bombarding them with questions - everything from what kind of storage options do they have for clothes in the dorms, which profs are the best for the core courses, what food is good and what to avoid. </div>
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I can tell you about the surrounding area - which churches offer which ministries, what support looks like in terms of maintaining my recovery, what the hottest spots for students are, exactly how many miles to the nearest Chick-fil-a and Chipotle, etc.</div>
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But...when it comes to my own personal experience, I won't know until I'm there. I'm supposed to be assigned my roommate before I go, but I have yet to find out who she is. I have yet to find out which residence hall I'm in. I can't register for classes because I've still got a medical hold on my file until I can see my doctor the day before I leave. I have no idea who my friends are going to be, have yet to decide which church I'm going to, haven't figured out my cell phone situation yet. </div>
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Heck, I don't even know what it's really like to live on my own. The only time, other than vacations and missions trips, that I've been away for an extended period of time was for treatment. I didn't have any independence when I went to Mercy. How am I going to be when I'm completely my own responsibility?</div>
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And...my family. I'm finally just starting to build solid relationships with my parents, and my little brother has just entered his teenage years. I'm going to miss them so much. I'm going to miss staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking to my mother about life. I'm going to miss getting hugs from my brother whenever I want. I'm going to miss knowing that if I needed someone, I had a built-in support network. </div>
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Through all this, I hold on to the assurance that it was God who opened this door. It really is a miracle that everything has fallen into place the way it has, and I'm very excited about this new season. I like to say that I'm filled with anxious anticipation for the future. I don't know what it's going to hold entirely, and I've prepared as much as I can, but now it's time to let go and trust that God has lined up the people He wants me to meet and He's already found the perfect (imperfect) church for me to attend.</div>
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I was talking to a friend of mine who just started at an American school this August. She was telling me that while her heart is up here in Canada, she's made a home in the States. She's made a home at her school. That's my hope too. I've explored the concept of home in previous blogs, and I've come to determine that it's not the physical location - it's the people, it's the experiences, and above all else, it's God. I firmly believe that I'll be able to make Gordon my home if I keep my perspective in the right place. </div>
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So yes, there are plenty of things that I don't know and that terrifies me, but I'll be okay. Life is full of unknowns and I can't hide from them forever. </div>
Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-48876804518615264502012-11-03T20:34:00.001-07:002012-11-03T20:34:29.252-07:00TransitionDo you ever feel like you have so much to say but because you have so much to say, it all gets muddled together into a big mess?<div>
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I feel like I need to write tonight, but I'm not sure what I want to write about because I've got so much I want to say. </div>
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The theme of my life lately has been transition. Well, the theme of my life since September 21, 2010 has been transition, but now that transition is transitioning into a different type of transition. </div>
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When I first graduated from Mercy Ministries, I was in a period of transition because I had to learn how to stand in the real world on my own two feet. It was very difficult, because I was still really learning what it meant to be free and how to deal with the curveballs that life threw at me. </div>
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March 2011, I officially graduated high school. That was yet another transition. I was done my mandatory 13 years of education. I had to decide what I was doing with the rest of my life. Holy dang that felt like a huge weight on my shoulders.</div>
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Then came September 2011. I started my first year of college. Of course, that is another huge transition to undergo. That really was my first experience in the "adult" world. I was not even 19, and I was surrounded by 40 year olds in my classes. I'd always prided myself in being "more mature" than my peers, but to be thrown into a world where my peers were at least a decade older than me was terrifying to say the least. </div>
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What two things do those three transition periods have in common? Simple. 1) The Unknown and 2) My eating disorder.</div>
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Each time that I walked into a season of transition in the past, I would get so overwhelmed. I had no idea what came next and that terrified me. I tried with all my might to figure things out, but I just couldn't do it and every time, I went back to the familiarity of my eating disorder. I didn't have to face the changes that were taking place if I was fully engaged in the eating disorder, and quite frankly, I didn't want to. I was much more comfortable with the the familiar evil than the unknown possibility.</div>
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As a result of that, I ended up back in treatment this summer. I did a day treatment program at a hospital nearby. I was there for 8 weeks. Ironically, the program that some people enter after they complete the intensive day treatment program is called transition. I didn't participate in transition though. </div>
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Coming out of treatment once again, I entered another period of transition. This time, I was determined not to go back to the eating disorder. I had to figure out what life was going to look like for me, and that meant not going back to school this semester. It meant finding a private therapist to see every two weeks. It meant working at a flower farm. It meant letting go of all the friends that I'd held onto that were holding me down. </div>
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Yeah, it's scary. Yes, I'm having to face the unknown. Yes, I'm up against a lot of circumstances that are beyond my control. And yes, the pull of the eating disorder is getting stronger and stronger lately, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't let it back in to an extent. So how is this time different, you may ask?</div>
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I can't put my finger on it exactly. I think it's just got something to do with the fact that I'm growing up. I'm 20 years old now, and while that is still very young, I'm really an adult now. There's no running from it, and I don't want to run anymore. I feel different. I feel like I'm equipped with all the tools I need to stand firm through this time...because I have no doubt that at some point, this season will end. After all, that's what seasons do. One ends, and another one will begin. </div>
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I guess in the midst of the chaos of this season, I'm standing firm in the knowledge that I don't have to make everything go my way in order to call it a success. There's less pressure from myself to do it the "right" way, but rather, I'm just allowing myself to go with the flow. I'm trusting God that I'll end up where He wants me eventually...and I don't need to run and hide from all the changes. </div>
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I don't even know if this made sense...because my thoughts towards this subject have yet to be fully formed...but I feel better having written it, and I guess that's what matters. </div>
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Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-75213846937863548072012-06-06T20:58:00.002-07:002012-06-06T21:25:13.434-07:00An Issue of IdentityMan, I feel like I'm obsessing over this idea of authentic community. I literally can't go a day without thinking about what it means, and how it relates to my life in the moment and in the future.<div><br /></div><div>I'm pretty sure that I'm getting myself back into that rut of analyzing things and running them into the ground. There's no possible way I can force anything to happen just by thinking of all the potential outcomes of a situation. I actually have to get out there and act on my revelations otherwise it's all for nothing. </div><div><br /></div><div>I keep finding myself going back to friendships that I've had since I moved here and wanting to make them work when quite frankly, it's just not going to happen and I know that. Yet, I still go back to them and set myself up for failure and disappointment time and time again because that's what's familiar. It's my comfort zone.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think I've been believing the lie that I can't experience community until I move away from Hamilton. That feels so true but only because I'm not being intentional about branching out and meeting new people in the area. I'm so focused on getting the heck outta dodge that I've been consumed by researching other places, other schools, other cities...and neglecting the opportunity to build relationships and community right here. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't have to move to a different country/province/state/continent to find solid, Christian friends...I just need to take the blinders off and open my eyes to the different people (who I most likely have yet to meet).</div><div><br /></div><div>One reason that I haven't been following through on my desire for new friendships is because it's a lot easier to handle being rejected when I know it's coming. Going to a new church, making new friends...it's all unknown. While that is exactly what I want, it's also incredibly terrifying. I'm scared that I'm going to put myself out there and have my heart trampled all over my an entirely new group of people. I honestly don't know what it means to legitimately be a part of a thriving group of friends. I've always felt as though I'm just riding on other people's coat tails; like I'm just tagging along but don't actually belong.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's more than just that though. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere...so how can I develop meaningful friendships if I am constantly self-sabotaging? I think that at the core of this whole issue, it all goes back to finding my home in His heart. Until I feel like I've found where I belong and am secure in that, I won't be looking to friendships to find where I belong. And I won't be constantly surrounding myself with people who don't want me around because I don't want to be around. </div><div><br /></div><div>That really is what it comes down to. I need to be secure in my identity as a daughter of the King, secure in the fact that He is my only constant, my Home. That's the only way I'm going to experience anything remotely similar to freedom in this area...in any area really...</div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-67604448895927534992012-05-31T23:09:00.003-07:002012-05-31T23:37:03.238-07:00Late Night Ramblings About Loneliness, etcTonight, I`m struggling.<div><br /></div><div>I`m not entirely sure why. I`ve had a decent day. Spent time with God this morning, went in to Toronto for a bit, came home, visited a friend, then had my dance recital, but in the midst of it all, that loneliness I`ve been so accustomed to began to set in again.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I`m here in Hamilton, I often feel as though I`m on the outside looking in at the rest of the people I`m surrounded by doing life together, but I`m just...not included. Now, don`t get me wrong. I know that I am to an extent. I`m sure part of what I`m experiencing as loneliness is simply just me adjusting the yet another major transition in my life, but I`m also aware that the reality is that I honestly don`t have the same level of friendship with people here in Hamilton as I do in Nashville and California. I`m not known on such an intimate level, and I miss it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have the desire to know and be known. I have the desire to be in a community of believers that desires my presence instead of ignoring it. Tonight as I lay here in my bed pondering life, I can`t help but wonder when it will be my turn to be included, wanted, loved, and accepted for who I am...in person...on a consistent basis. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have this awful tendency to place more value on the relationships I have with other people than my relationship with God. As I wrote in my last blog, He is the only one who is always consistent, loving, safe, and secure. Since I wrote that blog, I really have been spending time seeking Him and trying to find my place in His heart. That is surely the most important thing I will ever do. </div><div><br /></div><div>However, I would love to have a tangible person in my life. Someone who I can call friend who is able to do as it says in the Scriptures. "As iron sharpens iron, let one man sharpen another." I want a Christian friend who will love me so much they won't hesitate to call me out on things I shouldn't be doing or encourage me in hard times, or celebrate and rejoice with me when life is going well. I want our friendship to be reciprocal.</div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe this blog sounds a bit like a pity party. That's not my intention. I suppose that this is me being real. I'm struggling with loneliness tonight. My emotions are all over the place and I'd rather shut down and block all of this out, but that would be allowing them to control me. </div><div><br /></div><div>As Grandma Joyce says, "Feelings are fickle." To have emotions is a very natural, human thing. I would even go so far as to say it's a good thing to be able to experience emotions, but when they take over your life in any way, it's too much. I don't want to be a slave to my ever-changing emotions, but I do feel as though I need to acknowledge them because pretending they don't exist never gets me anywhere.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, I'm feeling lonely.</div><div>Fact: I'm not alone. Not even here in person. I have people in my life here who care about me. They do the best they can with where they're at right now, and I will accept that. God is with me also. Always. God is always with me, therefore I am never alone...even in the loneliest seasons. </div><div><br /></div><div>Random though that relates to this topic that just popped into my head...I think I've been expecting perfection from my relationships, not just from myself. I've been placing a standard on my friendships and if they don't meet that standard then they're not "real" friendships. Really, Alexis? Really? I've been limiting myself and cutting myself off from some people who really don't need to be cut off...because although they didn't meet my standard, these people genuinely want to be my friends.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tonight, I'm setting aside my expectations. I'm setting aside my standards (not compromising them. They're still there...). I commit right now to opening up to the idea of imperfect friendships. I mean, after all my talk about authentic community, you'd think I'd already come to that conclusion, but apparently it took until to 2:30am this morning to realize that in authentic, real community....life is not perfect. </div><div><br /></div><div>Man. I feel like I'm all over the place tonight. That being said, good night world. I'll see you in the morning. </div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-40102442020317524372012-05-19T22:10:00.002-07:002012-05-27T08:19:23.967-07:00His Heart is My Home.I haven't posted on here in...wow...it feels like forever. I would apologize for the inconsistency, but I'm not writing this blog for anyone besides myself so I won't. :)<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">As I was reflecting on my last few posts just now, I'm realizing that I'm still contemplating the same things that I was when I wrote the posts. Community and home...except now I feel as though it's evolved a bit. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">I'm in California right now...at my friend Monique's house. It's been really great to be here because I feel like I'm learning so much simply by watching her interact with the people that God has placed in her life. Her community. I have honestly never experienced anything remotely similar to the kind of community and friendship that is so evident in this place.</div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">The authenticity of their relationships is like a breath of fresh air. I would love to develop relationships like that. They don't hide who they are. They're just...real. They are the truest example I know of what it means to do life together. Even the church that they pastor...the congregation is full of some seriously messed up people, but they don't hide it. I'd rather be in a church where people are real about their flaws, addictions, issues, etc than be in a church where everyone hides behind a facade and pretends to be the perfect Christian. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">I know that I've definitely been guilty of hiding my true self because I feel ashamed of my struggles. I feel ashamed that I'm not the perfect Christian, but really...who is? The only perfect human being that ever walked the face of this earth was Jesus Christ...and even He was tempted. I'm tired of the religious, stuck up, fake Christian. I'm tired of being that person. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">Depending on the people I'm with, I feel as though I have to put on a different face with each group. With the "Church" people, I feel the need to be perfect. With another group of friends, I feel like I have to be super depressed and sick. The truth is...I don't live in either extreme. I'm not perfect, obviously...but at the same time I'm not completely hopeless. I feel like I live somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I lean further in one direction than the other, but I'm never on either extreme. I have the hope of the gospel, but if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm struggling with some things that I've been dealing with again very intensely for the past year or so. I'm tired of hiding where I'm at. I'm tired of living a life with multiple masks and with no one seeing who I really am. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">At the same time, I know that I can't trust every single person and just pour out my burdens on each person I come in contact with. Not only is that not conducive to building healthy relationships, it's a very dysfunctional way of interacting with the outside world. Boundaries are in place for a reason, but I don't have to turn my boundaries into impenetrable fortresses either. Right now, I don't feel like I have many super safe people in real life who I can even begin to build that trust with. BUT...I need to remember that I do have people in Nashville and California who are more than willing to put in that time to build solid relationships with me. I've got big sisters who will hold me accountable, and I've got friends who will be there to laugh with me and rejoice with me and cry with me. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">Now that I've seen a true life example of what authentic community looks like, I know what I'm aiming for. It's been really cool to see it in action.</div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">Now onto the second topic of the night....home.</div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">As I posted in my last blog, I've really been struggling with the thought of home. Trying to define home has been a great challenge for me, and I've struggled with setting an official definition of home for myself. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">Today, I was talking to my friend, and she shared a revelation that she had a little while ago while thinking about the concept of home as well. It's just a simple sentence, but it packs such a punch. There's so much truth in five words.</div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i>His heart is my home.</i></b> </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">If I'm walking with God...living in His will...dwelling in constant communion with God, then I am home. If I want a home that is consistent, loving, safe, secure, and constant...the only place that I can be sure to find that is to find my place in His heart. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">I've always been so focused on the physical location of home, or the things that I want in a home, or other earthly, temporal things that I desire but the truth of the matter is that anything that is not....God...will ultimately end. People may reject me. I may move away from a house...but God is omnipresent. He's never going anywhere. I can trust Him fully to provide the best home for me. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">He knows my deepest longings, darkest secrets, faults, failures, hopes, and dreams. He loves me in spite of all the times I mess up, and He has a great plan and purpose for my life. In order for me to find my home, I need to seek His heart more than I ever have in my entire life.</div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">God's Word says that He's able to provide abundantly more than I could ever ask, seek, or desire...so I think it's time that I start seeking Him to find my home. He'll provide me a better home than I could ever imagine. </div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><br /></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; ">As I embark on this lifelong journey of finding my home in His heart, I challenge you to join me. Spend some time seriously seeking His heart and finding where you fit. I promise you...He has a spot prepared just for you. </div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-40243206986079377072012-02-28T17:48:00.005-08:002012-02-28T17:59:39.974-08:00What is Home?<div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; ">I've really been struggling with the concept of home lately, and I feel like I'm going to be exploring the concept some more, but here's the first thing that I wrote about home.</div><div><blockquote style="font-size: 100%; font-family: Georgia, serif; "></blockquote><span class="body" style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><blockquote><span>The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.</span></blockquote><blockquote><span>~ Maya Angelou</span></blockquote></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br /></div><span><span style="font-size: 100%;">For my entire life...I've moved from one house to another to another. I've had many different bedrooms, schools, groups of friends. Each time, I have had to adjust to a new "home".</span></span><br /><span><span style="font-size: 100%;">Unfortunately though, I've never felt safe at my house, my school, or with whatever group of friends I have had at a certain time.</span></span><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />I have never had a true home.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />You make ask, "What? How could you have never had a home?"</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />Well, to me, a home is a safe haven. It is a place where I can go escape from the troubles of my world and just be myself. It is a place where I know that I am loved unconditionally and I will never be rejected.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />To me, a home is consistent. There is a sense of continuity - a place that I am comfortable enough to put down roots without the fear that everything will be torn out from underneath me. It is not a place where I don't know what to expect from day to day. I have never felt safe enough to settle and put down roots. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />There is a sense of privacy and boundaries are respected, but there is also a supportive environment that enables a person to grow into the best person that they can be. There is balance somewhere between having to be independent and take care of myself and being smothered and overprotected.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; ">A home should be a place where kids are allowed to be kids. They shouldn't have to take on adult responsibilities in elementary school. Age appropriate expectations are so important.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />I have lived my entire life in fear - of my parents, of my peers, of lack, of myself.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />Throughout my life, I've come up with different ways to keep myself safe and meet my need for security. The most consistent method that I have used is my eating disorder.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />My eating disorder has been there for me to fall back on in times where everything seems uncertain. It is the perfect place to retreat into when I don't feel safe. Through my eating disorder, I was essentially able to say that I don't have needs, so I wasn't disappointed when they didn't get met. At the most extreme times of the eating disorder, I didn't feel anything. I couldn't think about anything other than food, and that was good. My life was crumbling around me and I was being abused and taken advantage of, but I was okay because I had my eating disorder. Thinking about it now, it's like the eating disorder became my protective shell...it became my home, and it stayed that way for many years.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />The only other place that I felt safe was at Mercy. I allowed myself to come out of my protective shell and put myself out there. I still feel at home whenever I walk through the doors of Mercy Ministries. At Mercy, I fit. I belonged there. All my needs were met. I had support, and I created a family. Sometimes I get glimpses of "home" when I talk to some of the girls I was there with, specifically my friend Katherine. We may not be related by blood, but there is no doubt that we are sisters.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />Anyways, now that I am going to treatment and the eating disorder isn't functioning in the role that it used to function in, I feel lost. I feel more lonely than ever, and this time, I don't know what to do about it. I kind of want to move - to recreate Alexis yet again...because that's what I know how to do.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />Every time I have moved, I have gone into it hoping that I finally find a place to call home, but after all those unsuccessful attempts, I've come to the conclusion that it's not location that determines a home.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br />I have to find a place within myself where I am satisfied with myself in order to be at a place where I can maintain a "home" environment. I need to surround myself with the right kind of people. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; ">It's not the location that matters. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; "><br /></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; ">It's me.</div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-39968544364669739512012-02-08T09:57:00.000-08:002012-02-08T10:23:54.969-08:00Community."I asked someone, as I often do, "Who's your community? Who lifts you up?" And this person -- who's had a life that would shake most of us to the core -- said, "Well, I'm talking to you!" I share this because sometimes we might be all the community that person has. That's sobering. (So let's be the best community we can be.)"<br />~ Barb Todd, All Saints Church-Community Centre<br /><br />I found this quote as I was looking for placement options today. It really struck a chord with me. <br /><br />All Saints Church-Community Centre has a drop-in program for women involved in the sex trade in Toronto - specifically in the Regent Park/Moss Park communities. I would LOVE to get involved with them in some way, shape, or form. I have a connection to someone who works there, and I'm definitely considering getting in touch with her.<br /><br />Also, I'm trying to figure out a way to get to the Restore Toronto conference on Saturday. It's in Markham, but I would love to go. They're providing an opportunity for you to eat lunch with a number of different speakers/people from various organizations, and Barb Todd is one of them. I'm hoping that I can figure out transportation so that I can get there. I'd really love it.<br /><br />Now...about the quote. Why did it strike such a chord that I decided to blog about it? Well, allow me to share. I understand what it's like to crave community, to desperately long to be a part of something. When the woman was asked, "Who's your community?" and answered, "Well, I'm talking to you!" it really got me thinking.<br /><br />How often do I get so focused on being a part of something bigger, something better...that I forget to see the people who surround me on a daily basis? It's no wonder that I feel so lonely all the time. I'm always wanting bigger, better, more. I have yet to learn the art of simply being content with the people that I have in my life - whether I'm close with them or not. God has placed me in relationship with them, in community with them, for a purpose. I can't ignore that anymore just because they're not my ideal community.<br /><br />Also, the quote got me thinking about how it's possible that I could be the only community that someone has. If I'm so focused on me, me, me...then who's to say that I'm not contributing to someone's sense of deep, profound loneliness. What's the point of striving to rid myself of my own sense of loneliness while contributing to another's sense of isolation?<br /><br />Instead, I need to shift my focus from me to them. From me to you. I need to stop looking for community, stop looking for where I fit. I need to start investing in people and being community to them. I need to be the best community I can be, not out of a place of selfishness, but a place of selflessness...and then as I walk in that selflessness, I'll begin to benefit myself. <br /><br />How profound.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-58664421725737801862012-01-12T21:27:00.000-08:002012-01-13T03:33:03.444-08:00All I Ask Is That You Make Time...And now for the real reason I reappeared on this blog! <br />
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I posted something on Crackbook (as my dearly beloved prof from last semester, Percy, calls it [for good reason]) about an hour ago. Just a short little status update, but it holds significant meaning in my life right now, and apparently it struck a chord with a lot of people. <br />
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"If someone matters to you, you make time for them. It doesn`t matter how busy you are, or how chaotic your life is. If you want them in your life, you will make a way. It`s as simple as that."<br />
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To be honest, it was just a venting status. It wasn't intended to be some wise or profound statement. I just wanted to speak a little bit of truth in a fairly kind way that probably wouldn't be interpreted with as much...anger and frustration that I'm feeling at the moment.<br />
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There are some people in my life right now who say they care and that they want to get together and that I am so precious to them. Honestly? I think that's a bunch of freaking BS. I've gotten my hopes up time and time again that I might be developing a real, healthy friendship with someone, only to find out that really, I don't matter to them at all. <br />
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I'm tired of being around people who say they love me but when I try to make plans, they say they're busy or they'll get back to me when they're free. I see these people making plans with other people in their lives on a spur of the moment whim, but I'm not important enough to them for them to give up one hour of their precious, valuable time to sit and chat with me about random things at a coffee shop?<br />
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I really don't want to hear anyone say, "Well, clearly you're just not pursuing them enough." Or, "You just need to try harder to be more social." I've been working my freaking ass off even when I feel like complete and utter crap to get out and do things and be social. I'm doing the opposite action (to throw in some DBT speak ;))and I'm trying really hard. <br />
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<a href="http://media-cdn.pinterest.com/upload/5840674486304957_dhngPBh0_c.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 480px; height: 500px;" src="http://media-cdn.pinterest.com/upload/5840674486304957_dhngPBh0_c.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />
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When someone means the world to me, I will make time for them. If someone says they need to talk, I will drop everything (and I understand there are some responsibilities such as work that cannot be dropped at their own convenience) to be with that friend when they need me. <br />
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I don't know if it's too much to ask, but I'd really like to be afforded the same type of value in a friendship.<br />
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It's really discouraging to me to know that the very people that I want to be in relationship with...just don't feel that I'm worth the effort.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-60097374334685832222012-01-12T20:48:00.001-08:002012-01-13T03:32:47.541-08:00Pride Comes Before A Fall...I haven't blogged on here in a long time...and it's not for lack of trying.<br />
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Every time I start to write something, even if it's just an update about school...I freeze. I have to delete everything I write because it feels fake. It doesn't feel genuine in the least. That's not what this blog was ever supposed to be about, so I just haven't written.<br />
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I suppose the only thing that has really prevented me from posting on this particular blog has been pride. You know that whole statement, "Pride comes before a fall"? Well...I now know for certain that it is true. <br />
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I was convinced that I would be able to make this year different from every other year of school I have ever had. I would have to say, I definitely succeeded in that. Last semester blew my mind. I pushed myself to my limits academically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and then I pushed past those limits to previously uncharted territory. <br />
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I finished a semester of school. Handed in all of my assignments on time. Got 100% on practically every assignment (except in one class...but there weren't even any assignments in this class...it was just attendance and it just so happened that most of my important appointments landed during this time period.) My final GPA was 3.65. I'd say that's pretty dang good for someone who wasn't even expected to graduate high school. <br />
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But...in the midst of pushing myself past my limits, I pushed myself over the edge of exhaustion. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't making time for food. I wasn't even really making time for God. Oh, I pretended I was doing just fine...until one day I realized that I wasn't. Needless to say, I'm back in counselling. <br />
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Looking back, I think I was intentionally setting myself up for failure. I expected to fail academically (though i was busting my ass to stay on top of things), so I would just prove to myself that I really couldn't do this. That I couldn't succeed...because ultimately, I'd rather not try at something than try and fail. Awful, I know. But true. Very, very true. When I didn't fail academically, I kind of freaked out. I was already vulnerable because I wasn't sleeping, and I wasn't really eating properly. I was convinced that SOMETHING had to give. So...then...I made it. The eating disorder escalated again. I thought I could control it and be okay, but then I started getting really depressed too. Eating disorders + depression + lack of sleep + intense perfectionism = an absolutely miserable young woman who really just wants nothing more than to give up and crawl back into a little hole and never come out.<br />
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I spent my break trying to figure out what I'm going to do to get back on track. No. That's not true. I spent my break trying to figure out if I WANT to get back on track. I've come to the conclusion that I do...most of the time. How I intend to do this? Well, that has yet to be determined. For now, I'm waking up each morning, spending time with God, and taking each day one step at a time. <br />
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I feel like I shouldn't be posting this. I feel like I should be keeping this all a big secret. I'm ashamed of this hole that I've dug for myself. The thing is...silence isn't getting me anywhere. Of course, a few people know that I've been struggling and really, that's the only thing that's super important anyways...but still. <br />
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I want to continue to post on this blog as I feel the desire to, and I don't want to feel that I can't because I'm struggling. It's my blog. These are my words and these are my words. If you don't like it...please, just...leave. Thanks. :)<br />
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And now that I've posted this blog, I can get on to the actual blog that I wanted to post tonight. Yay. I don't feel like a complete fraud anymore. :)Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-10285343667782980702011-10-14T20:43:00.000-07:002011-10-14T20:49:19.137-07:00READ THIS. Sex trafficking fundraiser.<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); ">I just posted this on Facebook. I figured I'd post it here too! </span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><br /></span></div>Here's the deal people. You know how passionate I am about seeing domestic sex trafficking abolished. Destroyed. Annihilated.<br />According to Benjamin Perrin, author of (the most amazing book on trafficking in Canada) Invisible Chains, Ontario has the most international victims of human trafficking within it's borders. Unfortunately, Ontario is also one of the least equipped provinces in dealing wit<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; ">h this atrocious crime.<br />A courageous woman, <a href="http://www.facebook.com/timea.e.nagy" hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=682700653" style="cursor: pointer; color: rgb(59, 89, 152); text-decoration: none; ">Timea Eva Nagy</a>, who happens to be a survivor of sex trafficking here in Ontario herself, created an organization called Walk With Me. Timea speaks to law enforcement and partners with them when they're dealing with women who have been rescued from the grips of their traffickers here in Ontario.<br />Walk With Me also operates a safe house (I'm pretty sure it's the only one in Ontario at the moment, but don't quote me on that one) that takes in these victims of sex trafficking. As I'm sure you can imagine, it takes a lot of work to keep these girls safe and literally walk with them on their journey to freedom.<br />That being said, a survivor of sex trafficking that has been involved with Walk With Me has organized a fundraiser for them. The goal of this fundraiser is to raise enough money to keep the safe house open for another year, and possibly even raise enough money to begin to pay some of the staff. (Have I mentioned that pretty much everyone who works day and night to rescue these girls and walk with them are volunteers?!)<br />Before I mention the cost of the ticket, I want you to keep in mind everything that I just said.<br />The cost of the ticket is $50. The event involves a four-course meal, a silent auction, many stories of survivors of trafficking, and entertainment provided by many fine, Canadian artists. As well, Francois Mulder is premiering a song based on a true story.<br />The ultimate goal of this fundraiser is to raise $20 000. They're hoping to sell at least 500 tickets because even if people didn't donate on top of that, they'd still have enough to cover the expenses.<br />The event is being held at Carmen's Banquet Centre on Sunday, November 13, 2011 starting at 4:30pm.<br />This is my appeal to you. Please come to this event. Don't think of it as just a fun night out. Think of it as an investment. An investment in the lives of these women. An investment in the future.<br /><br />I do understand that many of you are students, or have a limited income...or maybe you don't even live in the area. If you honestly can't get the money together for the ticket, there are other ways you can support Walk With Me as well. They are always looking for gift cards to places like Tim Hortons, Shoppers Drug Mart, Walmart, Zellers, etc. Also, a great thing to donate would be gas cards for when the volunteers are driving to the next place that there is a girl who needs to be rescued.<br /><br />The website for the fundraiser:<br /><a href="http://www.journey-to-freedom.ca">Journey to Freedom</a></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; "><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; ">The website for Walk With Me:</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; "><a href="http://www.walk-with-me.org">Walk With Me</a></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; "><br /><br /></span></span></div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-33537585794684586062011-10-09T20:40:00.000-07:002011-10-09T21:08:01.459-07:00Hurt.I have an issue with something.<div><br /></div><div>That something is gossip, rumors, and backstabbing.</div><div><br /></div><div>About a week ago, a close friend of mine told me some other people that we both know...people who I used to call friends...sisters even...have decided that my freedom is a lie. These individuals hadn't even talked to me in months, yet here they were telling this person to be careful because I am a liar and I'll just bring her down. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was really angry at first. To the point where I wanted to travel to the city that they live in and have some serious words with them. Words that are not Christ-like in the least. I took some time...and some deep breaths...and I managed to calm down about it all. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's been a few weeks since I found out, and just now, I saw someone post a status about how great of a friend one of the people is. It got me really upset again. I feel extremely hurt because I counted this specific individual as my big sister. I looked up to her, and I valued her opinion in my life. </div><div><br /></div><div>All that being said, I think now is a perfect opportunity for me to use the life hurt tool that we used at Mercy. That, and forgiveness. I need to work on that one too. </div><div><br /></div><div>No, I'm not perfect and yes, I still struggle some days. But that does not mean I'm a fraud or that my freedom is a lie. </div><div><br /></div><div>I refuse to let what these people have said about me define me or control my life. Because quite frankly, they're the liars and the hypocrites...not me. </div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-64878047689435779132011-09-16T19:59:00.000-07:002011-09-16T21:22:00.562-07:002nd Annual Walk for Freedom<div>I'm writing with a heavy heart tonight.<div><br /></div><div>On Sunday. I am participating in the <b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" ><a href="http://www.freethem.ca/">2nd Annual Walk for Freedom</a></span></i></b> in Toronto. I've been praying about this event for a few weeks now, and the time is fast approaching. I'm so excited about it and am looking forward to meeting some fellow abolitionists, so please don't get me wrong when I say that it makes me really sad to have to do this.</div><div><br /></div><div>I started college last week. I'm taking the Assaulted Women's and Children's Counsellor/Advocate Program. We're learning all about the blatant human rights violations that women are encountering today, and we're learning about the different ways that violence is perpetrated against the ones most vulnerable.</div><div><br /></div><div>It is exactly those people that I am walking for. I'm walking for the ones who are so stuck in the cycle of violence that they see no way of escape - no hope for a brighter future. When I think about what I'm learning, and I put it together with the faces of all the girls and women that I've encountered in my life who are dealing with these things, my heart literally hurts.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think of the little girl that I dreamed about when I was at Mercy. I think of one of my closest friends. I think of the women in my program who have been abused in ways similar to this. It makes me feel so small.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sometimes I wonder how I, a young almost 19 year old girl, could make any sort of difference regarding trafficking and abuse. What can I do that will have maximum impact? But then I remember that it's not about me saving the world...it's about God moving in the lives of individuals through me.</div><div><br /></div><div>As I walk on Sunday, my hearts cry is that God would speak through me. That I would been a voice of <b>change</b>. A voice of <b>love</b>. A voice of <b>hope</b>. A voice of <b>freedom</b>.</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, I know it's last minute, but if you see this and you feel like you want to donate towards the cause, pleace check out the link that I'm going to post and feel free to donate. <i>All your money goes towards setting these women and children free.</i></div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 153); font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-size: medium; ">"We join together to raise our voices on their behalf, we join together to stand for freedom and justice, and we join together to say that human trafficking is slavery and that it needs to stop!"</span></div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.forfreedomsake.ca/participant/4167">Walk to Stop Human Trafficking</a></div></div><div><br /></div><a href="http://www.forfreedomsake.ca/clients/a/ae/aea9b328a222092e30163f678ebe4d29/5219571_sta.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 463px;" src="http://www.forfreedomsake.ca/clients/a/ae/aea9b328a222092e30163f678ebe4d29/5219571_sta.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><div><br /></div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-19178622139451379002011-09-04T19:42:00.000-07:002011-09-04T20:57:17.192-07:00Faith in the Midst of the Unknown<div style="text-align: center;">Can you believe it's September already? I can't. I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted a blog, but we didn't have internet all summer, and I was just taking some time to process and think about what is ahead. Our internet was reconnected though, so here I am!</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Where to start...where to start? </div><div>
<br /></div><div><img src="http://www.georgebrown.ca/GBC/images/logo-2.gif" border="0" alt="" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 202px; height: 142px; " /></div><div>Well, I'm going to George Brown College this fall. I start on Tuesday. The program I'm doing is very specific...very intense. It's called the Assaulted Women's and Children's Counsellor/Advocate Program. I applied for two programs three weeks ago with this one as my top choice. However, I just found out that I was accepted this past Tuesday...after I had already confirmed at Mohawk and spent the day there for the Smart Start sessions. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I'm kind of nervous about going to college. George Brown is in downtown Toronto, and I live in the suburbs of Hamilton...so I'm definitely going to be commuting. Basically, what that means is that I have to wake up at 5am to get ready at catch the GO bus at 6:20am in the days that I have 8am classes. Please allow me to inform you just how NOT excited I am about that...but hopefully I'll be able to organize it so that in the remaining semesters (it's a two year program) I won't have any early morning classes.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>It's so surreal though. I mean, I was reading back over some of my last blogs and I remember that at the time, college in Canada wasn't even a possibility. I was going to Trevecca. I was moving to Nashville and that's all there was to it. Clearly, however, that didn't happen. I didn't get the money in time to get my student visa...so I had to defer enrollment. It is still an option for next year, but we'll take that as it comes.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>This summer has honestly been one of tremendous personal and spiritual growth for me. God has taken me on the journey of a lifetime that has included forgiveness and truly surrendering my will to Him. This summer, I learned what it means to trust God in the fullest. To trust that He has better plans for my life than I do. To trust that He will provide financially. To trust that He will open the right doors and close the wrong ones. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I've had some really hard, discouraging experiences this summer...but in that, God revealed His faithfulness ever more. As soon as I stopped fighting God every step of the way, He made it easier to get through each day. I had to die to myself every time my fleshly desire to control everything crept in...which was like...every minute. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm perfect now, because I'm not...but I do know that I have experienced true growth this summer. I can't control every aspect of my life, and I'm beginning to be okay with that. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>The closer that it gets to Tuesday, the more my anxiety keeps going up. It's a constant battle for me to allow peace to reign in my life. I have this crazy intense fear of the unknown, so I like to prepare as much as possible. I like to have advance notice for any drastic change or transition that is taking place in my life. And by advance...I'm talking 3-6 months notice so I can meet people who've been where I'm going and research the place to the point where I haven't even been there yet and I could answer all the questions for people thinking about going. I make myself into an expert and that alleviates most of the anxiety surrounding the situation. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I had done that with Trevecca. I had done that with Gordon. I had not, however, done that with George Brown. I only applied three weeks ago. I was accepted less than a week ago. I haven't even had a month to plan. I don't know all there is to know. I've never talked to anyone doing this program. I only know what I could read on the website. It's a whole new level of...I don't even know. Life, I guess? </div><div>
<br /></div><div>One thing I do know for sure though is that if I hadn't gone through everything that I have this summer, I wouldn't be handling this nearly as well as I am. I'm not having panic attacks, because every time I start to feel my heart beating faster and my thoughts start racing, I take the anxieties to the foot of the cross. No, I don't feel ready for this...but clearly, God opened this door. I know that because it's not something that I ever would have done on my own. Never in a million years. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Because I'm so confident that it is God who led me down this unknown path, I have faith that He will go before me and prepare a way for me. It's going to be hard. A huge adjustment is going to take place, but I know that I'll get through it...and I'll grow even more because of it.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>So as I wait in nervous anticipation for 34 hours and 42 minutes to pass, I'm going to praise God for working behind the scenes to make everything come together at just the right time. I know that He will continue to work behind the scenes as long as I live, and I am so, so grateful for that.</div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-8078445482859834732011-07-10T12:06:00.001-07:002011-07-10T13:51:07.332-07:00Wisdom LivingYesterday was a day that is worthy of two blog posts today.<br /><br />The first one is my response to Pastor Sheila's message last night. It was actually amazing...and really got me thinking about wisdom.<br /><br />Wisdom - being skillful and successful in the art of living.<br />What is the art of living? It's modeling wisdom.<br /><br />Pastor Sheila made the statement that the church, in general, should stand head and shoulders above the rest of the world.<br /><br />"Why," you may ask?<br /><br />Well, let's go back to the basics.<br /><br />God is wisdom.<br />The Trinity has three parts. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.<br />When we got saved, the Holy Spirit came and took up residence in our heart.<br />Holy Spirit = God.<br />God = wisdom.<br />Holy Spirit living in us = built-in wisdom.<br /><br />If you take all that into consideration, it makes sense that Christians should be recognized for the wisdom that exudes off of them. However, that rarely seems to happen.<br /><br />In the past, I've been so wrapped up in knowing the right things to say and sounding smart that I neglect to examine my behaviour. You know the saying "actions speak louder than words"? Well, that's perfectly applicable in this situation. <div><br /></div><div>I was saying all the right things at all the right times, but my life was in shambles. It's no wonder I wasn't seeing any fruit when I tried to reach out to people. I was so intent on telling my friends what would happen if they got saved...that they would experience true joy and freedom, etc. The thing is, I was clearly living in bondage. I can just imagine the thoughts running through their mind...</div><div><br /></div><div>"If that's what Christianity is, I want no part of it."</div><div>"She's worse off than me! Why would I want to be like her?!"</div><div><br /></div><div>In wisdom living, our actions should have the same weight (if not more) than our words. People should notice a difference in the way we live before we even open our mouths to tell them about God and what He can do for them. </div><div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.<br />1 Corinthians 2:1-5</span><br /><br /></div><div>In this passage, Paul is talking to the Corinthian church when they were young in their faith. He's talking about how he didn't approach them with big, churchy words. He just went in with the raw honesty of what Jesus did in him...and for them. He didn't go in their with a "holier than thou" attitude. He didn't take credit for his awesomeness. </div><div><br /></div><div>In fact, he says that he came to them in weakness. To me, that shows that he wasn't afraid to be human...and to let them know that he was just like them, but his message was so full of power. Not because he used big words, but because of the work of the Holy Spirit in his life. He went to them in such a way that he would get none of the glory and honour, but God would get it all. </div><div><br />I want so badly for my life to be a demonstration of the Spirit's power! I don't want to take any glory for the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. It all belongs to Him.<br /><br />Pastor Sheila shared another scripture that really got me thinking as well. </div><div><blockquote><span style="font-weight:bold;">Daniel answered and said:<br /> “Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,<br /> For wisdom and might are His.<br /> And He changes the times and the seasons;<br /> He removes kings and raises up kings;<br /> He gives wisdom to the wise<br /> And knowledge to those who have understanding."<br /><br />Daniel 2:20-21 (NKJV)</span></blockquote><br />"God gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding?! What the heck is the point of that?!" That was my response when she first shared that scripture, but as she began to unpack it...it started to make more sense to me. </div><div><br /></div><div>"The wise get more wisdom added to their life because they are smart enough to seek God fervently. To contend and not give up."</div><div>~ Pastor Sheila</div><div><br /></div><div>How many times have I approached God in my prayer times to ask for wisdom regarding a certain situation only to give up a short while later because there was no response? I got so discouraged because nothing was happening. I was no closer to having any more knowledge of what to do in the situation...so I just decided to try to figure it out on my own. </div><div><br /></div><div>When I think about that, it makes sense to me. God desires me to diligently seek Him...not just go to Him for wisdom on a one-time basis. He wants me to be flat on my face before Him, desperately seeking after Him. He wants to know that I know that whatever wisdom I receive is not just coming from my own brain. He wants to know that I will give Him the glory for the results of the situation...because without Him, I would be stuck in the same place that I was before.</div><div><blockquote> <span style="font-weight:bold;">And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently seek him.<br />Hebrews 11:6</span></blockquote>The whole purpose of wisdom is that it would glorify God...so it makes sense that He's not going to give foolish people wisdom, because they'd take all the glory for something that wasn't even their own in the first place.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>As I walk into this next season (I'm still trying to determine exactly what it's going to look like...), I really need to be seeking God diligently. He is the only one who has a clear enough vision of my future to show me what steps I need to take. As I spend more time with Him and develop a more intimate relationship with Him, He will give me revelation about the steps that I am to take that will lead me down a path of success.</div><div><br /></div><div>All in all, I want to be a safe person for God to share His wisdom with. I want Him to be able to trust me to handle the wisdom in a responsible manner. </div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-5234140682092965822011-07-02T00:45:00.001-07:002011-07-02T01:43:32.706-07:00Decidophobia - The Fear of Making DecisionsHere I am again! It's 3:45am, and I am just starting to write a blog. For some odd reason, I think my deepest thoughts and have the most self-realization at night. Gosh, I love the way my body is so mixed up! [/sarcasm]<br /><br />Just once, I'd love to realize something major during the day...<br /><br />So, for the past few hours, I've been sitting here on my bed trolling the internet for whatever I can find. Tonight, that "whatever" happened to be Liberty University's website. Liberty then turned into UCLA which turned into Biola. (No, I don't understand the different progression of schools. It just...happened. :P)<br /><br />I've been looking at different schools in different states (none in Canada of course...). Different undergraduate degrees, Masters degrees, and even doctoral programs. Each different school, different degree, and different state could lead to a whole different life for me.<br /><br />I know that I've been accepted at Trevecca and have decided to go there in the fall, but the money hasn't come in yet. I'm starting to wonder whether it will come in at all. The money isn't really where I'm going with this blog though - well, it kind of is, but not entirely.<br /><br />I guess what I'm trying to say is that I kind of don't want the money to come in for Trevecca. It's not that I don't want to go there, because I do. I want to go to university. I want to get on with my life. The thing is...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">I'm scared.<span style="font-weight:bold;"></span></span> <br /><br /><br />My whole life, I've bounced from one city to another, one school to another, one life to another. I don't like the idea of settling down...of committing to something long term. <br /><br />Some of you might think that four years in one place is not that long. I, however, beg to differ. <br /><br />This week coming up will be four years of my family living in Ontario. It's the longest length of time my family has stayed anywhere in my whole life. Even in these four years, I've been out of the country a few times on trips (which isn't highly unusual but my main motivation for the trips was the need to get out of here...not for pleasure, but to preserve my own sanity), spent 8 months last year in Nashville, and tried to live in Toronto for a few weeks.<br /><br />In the past four years I have attended 6 different schools. Been at four different churches for an extended period of time. Gone through many, many peer groups. Seen a bunch of different therapists and doctors. <br /><br />With all that in mind, four years in one place seems like a hell of a long time. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can commit to staying in one place for so long. <br /><br />Throughout my life, there has only been one thing that I have been able to stick to through everything. That has been my eating disorder. It has been what I fell back on in every situation. When something went wrong, I could always resort to my distorted thoughts and behaviours regarding food. It was my safety net. If my life was chaotic, I would use the eating disorder to bring stability. If my life was too stable, I'd use it to shake things up a bit. <br /><br />Going into this next season, I don't have that safety net anymore. It's not even an option for me if I go to university. I'm going to be paying top dollar to receive my education, and I'm not going to throw it away because I'm too busy counting calories to write papers. <br /><br />That being said, I'm afraid to commit to anything in regards to my education because I know that the eating disorder is not an option. If I fail, I'm not going to have an excuse. <br /><br />Part of me thinks that it would be easier to just not go to school because I won't have to deal with the disappointment of letting myself down. I won't have to feel weighted down by commitments because I won't make any long term decisions. <br /><br />The thing is...I'm letting the present hang in the balance right now. I'm not making concrete long term plans, but I'm not making any plans in the present either because I don't know if I'm going to make any long term decisions. It's a catch-22. I can't make the decisions that I need to right now if I refuse to make the decisions that I need to for my future and vice versa. <br /><br />At the rate I'm going, my life is going to be spent right here where I am right now. Sitting on my bed in my parents house, staring at my computer screen. Not doing anything besides dreaming about an amazing future but knowing that it will never happen because I'm too afraid to get out of my comfort zone and actually DO something. <br /><br />I have a very avoidant personality when it comes to things like this. I avoid making big decisions because I'm afraid of failure, but I avoid making small decisions because...well...eventually small decisions aren't enough and I'll be forced to make a big decision. So I don't make any decisions besides the one not to make decisions. <br /><br />I don't really know how to get over that, other than to just do it. But...when I do go to "just do it", I become paralyzed with fear and trepidation. I over think things...and I just get myself into a big mess. <br /><br />It's so easy for me to have all these big dreams of things that I would love to accomplish one day and to plan things far down the road because in the back of my mind, I am convinced that I will never achieve them. As far as I can tell, that's an issue that I probably need to work on. <br /><br />So...what does that mean in the present? I guess that means I need to mail off the OSAP papers and stop trying to self-sabotage my feeble attempt to overcome that paralyzing fear of actually committing myself to something and sticking with it. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.bestquotes1.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Fear-Quotes.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 397px;" src="http://www.bestquotes1.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Fear-Quotes.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><br />On a completely unrelated note...does anyone know why we capitalize both the 'h' and the 'b' in Happy Birthday?Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8848381647223714962.post-53291199748655325872011-06-24T20:34:00.000-07:002011-06-24T20:56:46.490-07:00Love.<blockquote>Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.<br />1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)<br /><br />But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.<br />1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG)</blockquote><br /><br />Lately, I've been learning to love. More specifically, I'm learning to love even when it hurts like hell. <br /><br />Love? Pain? Really? Yes, really. For those of you who haven't learned this yet, love hurts. Sometimes it hurts to the point of physical pain. It hurts because you can't control the other person's actions. You can't make everything better. When they hurt, you hurt. When they push you away, it feels like they're stabbing you in the chest repeatedly. When they're happy, you're happy. The list could go on...<br /><br />For me, part of learning to love has been learning to let go. To let go of trying to control someone. To let go of trying to fix them, and to place the person in God's hands. <br /><br />Something I'm learning is that letting go and giving up are not equivalent. I'm letting go of her, but I'm not giving up. I still hold on to hope. I still stand in faith that one day, she will see the truth. I'm believing that when that time comes, she'll come back. And if she doesn't come back to me, then I'm believing that there will be someone there who can guide her back to the Cross. <br /><br />I refuse to give up. I'm not a quitter, and I'm not quitting on her.<br /><br />But I am letting go.<br /><br />"Learning to love even in the pain is far harder than coming out of your own pain."<br />~ Shandi Bleiken<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://poundingheartbeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/letting-go.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 499px; height: 331px;" src="http://poundingheartbeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/letting-go.JPG" border="0" alt="" /></a>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03544922785812681528noreply@blogger.com0