Thursday, January 12, 2012

All I Ask Is That You Make Time...

And now for the real reason I reappeared on this blog!

I posted something on Crackbook (as my dearly beloved prof from last semester, Percy, calls it [for good reason]) about an hour ago. Just a short little status update, but it holds significant meaning in my life right now, and apparently it struck a chord with a lot of people.

"If someone matters to you, you make time for them. It doesn`t matter how busy you are, or how chaotic your life is. If you want them in your life, you will make a way. It`s as simple as that."

To be honest, it was just a venting status. It wasn't intended to be some wise or profound statement. I just wanted to speak a little bit of truth in a fairly kind way that probably wouldn't be interpreted with as much...anger and frustration that I'm feeling at the moment.

There are some people in my life right now who say they care and that they want to get together and that I am so precious to them. Honestly? I think that's a bunch of freaking BS. I've gotten my hopes up time and time again that I might be developing a real, healthy friendship with someone, only to find out that really, I don't matter to them at all.

I'm tired of being around people who say they love me but when I try to make plans, they say they're busy or they'll get back to me when they're free. I see these people making plans with other people in their lives on a spur of the moment whim, but I'm not important enough to them for them to give up one hour of their precious, valuable time to sit and chat with me about random things at a coffee shop?

I really don't want to hear anyone say, "Well, clearly you're just not pursuing them enough." Or, "You just need to try harder to be more social." I've been working my freaking ass off even when I feel like complete and utter crap to get out and do things and be social. I'm doing the opposite action (to throw in some DBT speak ;))and I'm trying really hard.

When someone means the world to me, I will make time for them. If someone says they need to talk, I will drop everything (and I understand there are some responsibilities such as work that cannot be dropped at their own convenience) to be with that friend when they need me.

I don't know if it's too much to ask, but I'd really like to be afforded the same type of value in a friendship.

It's really discouraging to me to know that the very people that I want to be in relationship with...just don't feel that I'm worth the effort.

Pride Comes Before A Fall...

I haven't blogged on here in a long time...and it's not for lack of trying.

Every time I start to write something, even if it's just an update about school...I freeze. I have to delete everything I write because it feels fake. It doesn't feel genuine in the least. That's not what this blog was ever supposed to be about, so I just haven't written.

I suppose the only thing that has really prevented me from posting on this particular blog has been pride. You know that whole statement, "Pride comes before a fall"? Well...I now know for certain that it is true.

I was convinced that I would be able to make this year different from every other year of school I have ever had. I would have to say, I definitely succeeded in that. Last semester blew my mind. I pushed myself to my limits academically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and then I pushed past those limits to previously uncharted territory.

I finished a semester of school. Handed in all of my assignments on time. Got 100% on practically every assignment (except in one class...but there weren't even any assignments in this was just attendance and it just so happened that most of my important appointments landed during this time period.) My final GPA was 3.65. I'd say that's pretty dang good for someone who wasn't even expected to graduate high school. the midst of pushing myself past my limits, I pushed myself over the edge of exhaustion. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't making time for food. I wasn't even really making time for God. Oh, I pretended I was doing just fine...until one day I realized that I wasn't. Needless to say, I'm back in counselling.

Looking back, I think I was intentionally setting myself up for failure. I expected to fail academically (though i was busting my ass to stay on top of things), so I would just prove to myself that I really couldn't do this. That I couldn't succeed...because ultimately, I'd rather not try at something than try and fail. Awful, I know. But true. Very, very true. When I didn't fail academically, I kind of freaked out. I was already vulnerable because I wasn't sleeping, and I wasn't really eating properly. I was convinced that SOMETHING had to give. So...then...I made it. The eating disorder escalated again. I thought I could control it and be okay, but then I started getting really depressed too. Eating disorders + depression + lack of sleep + intense perfectionism = an absolutely miserable young woman who really just wants nothing more than to give up and crawl back into a little hole and never come out.

I spent my break trying to figure out what I'm going to do to get back on track. No. That's not true. I spent my break trying to figure out if I WANT to get back on track. I've come to the conclusion that I do...most of the time. How I intend to do this? Well, that has yet to be determined. For now, I'm waking up each morning, spending time with God, and taking each day one step at a time.

I feel like I shouldn't be posting this. I feel like I should be keeping this all a big secret. I'm ashamed of this hole that I've dug for myself. The thing is...silence isn't getting me anywhere. Of course, a few people know that I've been struggling and really, that's the only thing that's super important anyways...but still.

I want to continue to post on this blog as I feel the desire to, and I don't want to feel that I can't because I'm struggling. It's my blog. These are my words and these are my words. If you don't like it...please, just...leave. Thanks. :)

And now that I've posted this blog, I can get on to the actual blog that I wanted to post tonight. Yay. I don't feel like a complete fraud anymore. :)
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