Thursday, May 19, 2011

Learning is a Gift

Funny story.

Four years ago today, I started a blog that started with those same two words. Four years ago, I was here in Ontario. We hadn't moved yet, but we were looking at houses, trying to decide where to move. Four years ago today, I was an absolute wreck.

The blog from May 20, 2007 - which will be four years ago tomorrow consists of this:

Failure - definition: "a person or thing that proves unsuccessful" That sums me up right there.

And on May 21, 2007, I wrote this:

Is it terrible to want to be loved? To crave it with the deepest part of me? Affection is something I need. Please. Someone. Anyone. Take a look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that I am genuinely happy. I dare you. I bet you it is impossible. My eyes are cold and hard. My deepest desire is overshadowed by the fear of rejection that clouds over anything good that ever existed. I. Need. You. To. Love. Me.

I was fourteen years old. Seriously depressed. I wanted to die, but I was excellent at fooling people. I convinced my doctors and therapists that I was fine. I was a master manipulator. But oh man, I was lonely.

I had friends, but no one knew the real me. I didn't feel like I could trust anyone enough to let them in to the extent that I wanted to, especially because I would be moving so soon.

Looking back, and comparing my issues then to the things I am dealing with now - they are very similar. No, I don't want to die; but I have been lonely. I've come to the conclusion that sometimes, it seems to be easier to be lonely than to risk being hurt in relationship. When I am in control of my relationships, I can always push people away or block them out when I start feeling uncomfortable.

I say that my issues today are similar to the ones that I dealt with back then, but I have changed so much in the past four years. I hit rock bottom, and God has begun the rebuilding process. I'm nowhere near finished...which is so evident today as I reflect on where I have come from and where I am going, but I see so much growth. The fact that I can even recognize my tendency to isolate and keep people at arms length is huge. I see that I have people around me who are safe. I'm working on learning how to be in relationship with them in the real world.

As cheesy as this sounds, I'm learning that failure is simply a stepping stone to success. I don't need to settle for failure, but when I do fall, when I do mess up...I learn from it. I see what doesn't work, and I see what I need to change in order to be successful the next time I come up against that challenge.

I am so grateful for this journey that I am on. I'm in a season of learning, and I love it. I love to learn, even when it hurts.

I can say in all honesty that I never want to cease to be a student. I want to be a student of God and His Word first and foremost, but I also want to be a student of people, of life, and of myself.

"The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as long as we live."
~Mortimer Adler


  1. Wow...such amazing honesty. This is truly a touching post. <3

  2. I'm so proud of who you are. You inspire me!


Do Not Despise Humble Beginnings - Blogger Templates, - by Templates para novo blogger Displayed on lasik Singapore eye clinic.