Saturday, November 3, 2012


Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but because you have so much to say, it all gets muddled together into a big mess?

I feel like I need to write tonight, but I'm not sure what I want to write about because I've got so much I want to say. 

The theme of my life lately has been transition. Well, the theme of my life since September 21, 2010 has been transition, but now that transition is transitioning into a different type of transition. 

When I first graduated from Mercy Ministries, I was in a period of transition because I had to learn how to stand in the real world on my own two feet. It was very difficult, because I was still really learning what it meant to be free and how to deal with the curveballs that life threw at me. 

March 2011, I officially graduated high school. That was yet another transition. I was done my mandatory 13 years of education. I had to decide what I was doing with the rest of my life. Holy dang that felt like a huge weight on my shoulders.

Then came September 2011. I started my first year of college. Of course, that is another huge transition to undergo. That really was my first experience in the "adult" world. I was not even 19, and I was surrounded by 40 year olds in my classes. I'd always prided myself in being "more mature" than my peers, but to be thrown into a world where my peers were at least a decade older than me was terrifying to say the least. 

What two things do those three transition periods have in common? Simple. 1) The Unknown and 2) My eating disorder.

Each time that I walked into a season of transition in the past, I would get so overwhelmed. I had no idea what came next and that terrified me. I tried with all my might to figure things out, but I just couldn't do it and every time, I went back to the familiarity of my eating disorder. I didn't have to face the changes that were taking place if I was fully engaged in the eating disorder, and quite frankly, I didn't want to. I was much more comfortable with the the familiar evil than the unknown possibility.

As a result of that, I ended up back in treatment this summer. I did a day treatment program at a hospital nearby. I was there for 8 weeks. Ironically, the program that some people enter after they complete the intensive day treatment program is called transition. I didn't participate in transition though. 

Coming out of treatment once again, I entered another period of transition. This time, I was determined not to go back to the eating disorder. I had to figure out what life was going to look like for me, and that meant not going back to school this semester. It meant finding a private therapist to see every two weeks. It meant working at a flower farm. It meant letting go of all the friends that I'd held onto that were holding me down. 

Yeah, it's scary. Yes, I'm having to face the unknown. Yes, I'm up against a lot of circumstances that are beyond my control. And yes, the pull of the eating disorder is getting stronger and stronger lately, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't let it back in to an extent. So how is this time different, you may ask?

I can't put my finger on it exactly. I think it's just got something to do with the fact that I'm growing up. I'm 20 years old now, and while that is still very young, I'm really an adult now. There's no running from it, and I don't want to run anymore. I feel different. I feel like I'm equipped with all the tools I need to stand firm through this time...because I have no doubt that at some point, this season will end. After all, that's what seasons do. One ends, and another one will begin. 

I guess in the midst of the chaos of this season, I'm standing firm in the knowledge that I don't have to make everything go my way in order to call it a success. There's less pressure from myself to do it the "right" way, but rather, I'm just allowing myself to go with the flow. I'm trusting God that I'll end up where He wants me eventually...and I don't need to run and hide from all the changes. 

I don't even know if this made sense...because my thoughts towards this subject have yet to be fully formed...but I feel better having written it, and I guess that's what matters. 

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