As Iron Sharpens Iron...

Second blog in a day. Only happens once in a blue moon!

I'm sitting here on my friend's bed right now and she's fast asleep next to me. The sound of her breath - in, out, in, out - a familiar rhythm that quiets my racing thoughts. That's been a relatively common occurrence here on L3E over the past few months. I'm struck by just how thankful I am to have friends with whom I can just be.

Today, I went to the mall with two of my friends, and we had a good day just shopping for things that they both needed, and I went along as the driver because I wanted to get off campus. On Wednesday, I went for a walk around the pond with two other friends. Last week, we celebrated my friend's 21st birthday by taking a group of 10 of us to the beach at 6am to attempt to watch the sun rise and instead watched an early morning thunderstorm and ran around in the rain by the Atlantic Ocean and then ate pie and fruit for breakfast in a circle under a gazebo.

Tonight as I was talking with my friend and reflecting on the last decade of my life and reading old blogs, I realized just how far I have come over the years. When I was thirteen, I wrote about being desperate for someone to see me for me. When I was sixteen, I talked about longing for friends who would be willing to just hold me and not feel the need to speak to fill the silence. Last year, on this very blog, I wrote about how I want to experience authentic, Biblical community. Now? I'm beginning to live that out.

I feel more loved here at Gordon than I have anywhere else in my entire life aside from at Mercy. Here, I'm not only a student in the academic world, but I'm learning what it means to engage in real relationships in person. I'm learning what a mutually beneficial friendship looks like. I'm learning how to determine who the safe people are, and how to let them into my life without running away. I'm learning to let people love the broken parts of me. I'm learning how to be present and sit with my emotions while someone sits with me in that. I'm learning that reaching out in times of need is not a burden, it's a necessary part of being in relationship with people who care about my well-being.

For my entire life, I've felt lonely. I've felt like I've been living on the fringes of the social world. Tonight, I can honestly say that I'm not on the fringes anymore. I fit here. I belong here. I've found people who see past my brokenness. I've found people who love me simply for being me. These precious friends have been the hands and feet of Jesus to me over the last few months.

There's so much redemption here.

In the silence. Listening to her breathe - in, out, in, out.

Redefining Healthy

health·y

 [hel-thee] 

adjective, health·i·er, health·i·est.

1.

possessing or enjoying good health or a sound and vigorous mentality: a healthy body; a healthy mind.

2.

pertaining to or characteristic of good health, or a sound and vigorous mind: a healthy appearance;healthy attitudes.

As far as I can tell, the above definition is a very good thing. The majority of the world sees being 'healthy' as an ideal to strive towards. To me, however, the term healthy has taken on a distorted definition. As someone who has dealt with eating issues for more than half my life, I don't think I have ever been fully healthy, as the above definition describes it. 

To be honest, when I think of healthy, I don't think of the definition by dictionary.com. To me, healthy is the equivalent of fat (but only for me!). Now, I know that's not logical or true, but that is one distorted belief that I am still in the process of overcoming. When someone tells me, "Wow, you look so healthy!", my first response is to assume that they mean that I look like I've gained weight. Realistically, that's generally when people tell me I look healthy, so it is understandable why I think the way that I do. However, when people tell me I look healthy, they don't usually mean it purely based on physical appearance. When people tell me I look healthy, they've also said that I look like I have the light back in my eyes, I look genuinely happy, my skin is glowing, my hair looks so much healthier. Those are all incredibly positive attributes.

So why, then, do I choose not to hear the positive things, and translate healthy into fat? Why is it that the majority of my friends who also have eating disorders do the same thing? Where along the lines did healthy become a negative thing, and how do I reconcile the true definition of healthy with what I believe it to mean?

I'm continually progressing towards the ever elusive "recovered" state, and I get closer with each step that I take. As a result, I have decided that it is time for me to redefine healthy in my life. Since I believe in the freedom principle, a.k.a. freedom in Christ, it is imperative to ensure that my definition of health includes a holistic view that does not neglect the importance of my spiritual health, as well as my physical, mental, and social health. 

I want to take some space to flesh out what I think that healthy ought to mean in each of those categories. 

Physical Health:

• Maintaining a weight that is appropriate for my height
• Getting adequate nutrition
• Organs functioning properly
• Functioning metabolism
• Strong immune system
• Normal circadian rhythm
• Regular hunger and fullness cues
• Correct levels of vitamins and minerals
• Normal lab results
• Building bone density and/or preventing further deterioration
• Strong, shiny hair
• Regular menstrual cycle
• Physically active in ways that are enjoyable
• Balanced brain chemistry
• Vitals within the normal range
• Strong, clean teeth

Mental Health

• Able to cope with stressors appropriately
• Good concentration levels
• Stable mood - no extreme highs and lows
• Can experience emotions without getting overwhelmed by them
• Have a realistic view of self - can accept shortcomings without becoming distraught and can celebrate the positives without feeling guilty
• Does not have a distorted view of physical self
• Utilizes healthy coping strategies to manage urges
• Does not experience panic attacks
• Words and actions are in alignment
• Aware of potential areas of struggle and works to put strategies in place to prevent slips
• Flexible and able to accept change
• Constantly pursuing personal growth in a way that enriches life
• No suicidal ideation
• Sets goals and creates a practical guide to accomplishing them

Social Health

• Can function effectively as part of a group and as an individual without extreme feelings of dependence or isolation
• Creates a solid support system who is available in times of need
• Puts appropriate boundaries in place
• Able to say no
• Establishes healthy, mutual relationships and avoids unhealthy ones
• Identifies needs within relationships and communicates them effectively
• Does not run away when relationships start to get intimate - either platonically or romantically
• Functions in many different roles in relationships, rather than just reverting back to caretaker every time
• Able to be vulnerable with safe people
• Identifies trustworthy people and invests in those relationships

Spiritual Health

• Prioritizes the discipline of prayer and meditation
• Maintain an attitude of servanthood (while still having boundaries and not being a doormat)
• Engages in fellowship with other believers
• Explores the concept of faith and constantly examining how it fits into life
• Obeying God's commands
• Engages in times of private and corporate worship
• Takes thoughts captives and replaces lies with truth from God's Word
• Reads the Bible regularly
• Be plugged in to a local church 
• Seeks accountability relating to spiritual matters
• Participates in spiritually enriching conversations
• Experiences a sense of wholeness through God
• Operates out of an attitude of forgiveness rather than contempt and bitterness
• Does not try to accomplish difficult things in human strength, but relies on the strength of God
• Does not base decisions solely on emotions, but looks at what God says - feelings are fickle, but God is constant
• Lives based on freedom in Christ

By no means is this a comprehensive list, but this is just the beginning of my thoughts about what health is and what it means to be healthy. I think that the definition of healthy is fluid depending on life stages and circumstances, so I want to be flexible in my approach to the notion of health and be willing to add or remove attributes as I learn and grow more. 

Based on this list, healthy no longer has a negative connotation, but it takes on the positive attributes that other people deem worthy of striving towards. I'm not saying that believe everything on this list right now, but this is what I want healthy to mean for me, and this is what I am going to strive to believe from now on. 

Now, when somebody says, "You look so healthy!", I'm going to smile and say thank you, because I know they are paying me a genuine compliment. 

All that being said, I'm definitely interested in what you all think that healthy means. Please leave a comment with your thoughts about the meaning of health!

The Body of Christ at Gordon College

I've been here at Gordon College for 5 weeks and 2 days - no, I promise I'm not counting intentionally. I've just got a running calendar in my brain. I'm adjusting very well, and I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has placed me here at Gordon for such a time as this. 

A big thing on this campus is community, but I've discovered that no matter how much superficial community there may be, everyone is sort of isolated within themselves. My goal over the next few years is to begin to find a way to develop intimacy within the context of healthy, biblical community. 

On this campus, people pretend that they have it all together and the real issues are almost taboo to talk about, but I don't really care about that. I came into Gordon with the mentality of developing authentic relationships, and that requires being real and honest with people about where you're at…while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. I've found that as I've shared bits and pieces of my heart with people, they're able to open up and it breaks down the walls that are so common on this campus. I've seen that as I've been intentional about authenticity, it's beginning to spread at least throughout my dorm and with the transfers that I came in with. 

I've talked a lot about community in previous blogs, and I've been exploring the concept for quite some time, but it's taking on a new depth to me in this season. Living together with a roommate, 14 other girls on my floor, 96 [ish] people in my dorm, and 1500 students on campus really brings the issue of community to the forefront. How do we live cohesively as a unit in a way that is glorifying to God?

In 1 Corinthians 12:12-26, Paul is talking about how we, as believers in Christ, all belong to one body. It gives the picture of a physical body saying that each part has a function and a purpose. One part of the body cannot perform the same tasks as another part. It simply was not created that way. As a result of this, if we lose the use of one part of the body, we do suffer a great loss. The other parts of the body eventually adapt to pick up some of the duties of the other part of the body, but it doesn't make the situation better. 

Verses 25-26 (MSG) say this:

The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.

If I take this and apply it to life at Gordon (which is applicable because we could be considered the Church with a capital C), I interpret it as saying that each student, each faculty member, each staff has something crucial to contribute to the community at Gordon. To live in intimate, biblical, Christ-centered community, it is evident that we have to recognize the fact that we are all individuals with unique things that we are able to bring to the table, yet find a way to appreciate that and not say that since we're all so different, we should just stay within our little cliques or friend groups. 

One of my desires for Gordon College as a whole is that we open our eyes and our arms to the people who surround us on a daily basis and welcome them into our lives. I've talked to countless people in the past 5 weeks who feel so isolated and lonely because no one has taken the time to step back and invite them in. These people who live on the fringes of the Gordon bubble have much to contribute - their voice matters just as much as the rest of us - and we should live in a way that amplifies each other's voices and encourages the strengths of others. 

Practically, I think that the first step to achieving a goal as broad as this would be to step out of your comfort zone and talk to someone who seems to be completely different than someone you would normally associate yourself with. There are so many different types of people here, and we learn valuable lessons by interacting with those who are not the same as us. Have a conversation. Sit with a different group of people at dinner. 

If the people reading this take only one thing away, let it be this:

Live intentionally. Seek out new relationships. Embrace the uncomfortable, for that is where the transformation takes place. 

I Will Climb This Mountain With My Hands Wide Open

I've been here at Gordon College for exactly four weeks today, and I can't even explain how great it feels to be here.

The first two weeks of being here were extremely challenging - physically, academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I missed my brother more than anything, and although I never really wanted to go home, I found myself missing the comfort and predictability of home more than I would care to admit.

All the fears and anxieties I had coming in have been assuaged though, and I really am thriving. God has been so faithful in the transition here, and I'm very proud of the progress and the steps I've taken to ensure that this transition has been a success.

I realized early on that I could not do this alone - so within the first week of being here, I had set up a system of accountability for myself that has greatly assisted me with staying on track. I have weekly meetings with a mentor who checks in with me and who I feel safe enough to be honest with, and I also meet with a woman in the Academic Support Center to help me with time management. There's also another Mercy grad on campus who I've gotten the opportunity to connect with and she's definitely been a great help in feeling connected. I love her.

When it comes to meals, I try to plan to eat as many as I can with other people. If I plan my meals, I have no excuse not to go. Also, that is a wonderful opportunity for me to get to know people and hear their stories and their heart for the Lord.

My roommate has been incredible, and the people in my dorm are super friendly. I consider myself extremely blessed to be living in a dorm that is known all across campus for it's community. It's the smallest, and oldest dorm on campus, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Also, God has opened some doors for me to walk alongside of a couple girls around campus as they go through some similar things that I have come out of. It's really encouraging to me to be able to share the tools that I've learned and encourage them that freedom is real and that they can get here too. I've very excited to see how God continues to move in their lives, and I fully intend on sticking with them through this process.

Another thing that I'm in the process of doing right now is applying to be a resident advisor for next semester. Essentially, that means that I would have a leadership position on the floor, and I would be responsible for facilitating community and building relationships with the girls on my floor. If you've been following my blog for the past couple years, you'd know that that is an issue that I've really been thinking about and praying through and I really feel as though this would be a great opportunity for me to put my learning into practice.

Being an RA is something that would get me out of my comfort zone, and I know that it would be a huge challenge for me. I'm really excited about that though, because since coming to Gordon, my whole thing has been getting out of my comfort zone and being uncomfortable but moving forward anyways. I've learned that it's in those times where I'm living outside of my comfort zone that growth occurs. I long to live a life of constant growth and learning.

Moving forward in my personal, spiritual, and academic life is something that I place so much value in right now. I want my years at Gordon to be transformative. I want to graduate from here as someone who's life has been enriched and who's worldview has been expanded. I'm taking every opportunity I'm given very seriously (but not too seriously because I still like to have fun!).

Another thing that I love about being here is all the opportunities we have to worship. We have chapel twice a week and convocation on Fridays, Chasement on Thursday nights, and Catacombs on Sunday nights. It's such a blessing to gather with other students and worship.

Tonight, I went to Catacombs and it was so refreshing. God really challenged me with a single line from one of the songs - "There's nothing I hold onto." I realized that even though I've been doing really well here at Gordon and it's been incredible, I've still been holding onto some things that I need to surrender to the Lord. It's a constant struggle for me when it comes to certain things, because I'll surrender them, but then I'll pick them back up again. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel...but now, I'm getting off that wheel and surrendering them once and for all, and it's going to be a long process, but I'm excited for what it's going to look like to walk it out.

Overall, my first four weeks at Gordon have been nothing short of unforgettable. I've met so many new people, learned so many new things, experienced freedom in ways that I never thought possible for myself, and seen God move in real, tangible ways. If this is any indication of what the next two and a half years here are going to look like, then I have no doubt that these years will be some of the best years of my life.

I'm Going to Gordon!

So now that I'm officially going to college, I suppose I should update this blog. It's not like anyone reads it regularly, but since I used it back in 2011 to talk about my decision between Gordon and Trevecca, I feel it is only appropriate.

I'm going to Gordon College.

 I move into the dorms on January 13. This is so beyond surreal. 

I'm SO excited! It's finally happening! I'm finally going to school to study something that I'm genuinely interested in. I'm finally moving out and becoming independent. I'm finally figuring out who I am and what I want to do. The campus is absolutely stunning and it has a great reputation in the realm of Christian higher education.

So why, then, am I so terrified?

Since I found out that I got the money for the deposit, I haven't been able to sleep and when I do sleep, i'm having nightmares of everything that could possibly go wrong. From being denied at the border, to having a terrible roommate, to relapsing so hard while I'm there, to not making any friends.

I've always been very uncomfortable with the unknown, hence why I research EVERYTHING obsessively. 

I can tell you exactly how many students go to Gordon, the exact distance from the front door of my house to the campus at Gordon, the names of all the different dorms, the times that every single course is being offered this semester and who is teaching them, and more. 

I've found a few people who are currently students and I've been bombarding them with questions - everything from what kind of storage options do they have for clothes in the dorms, which profs are the best for the core courses, what food is good and what to avoid. 

I can tell you about the surrounding area - which churches offer which ministries, what support looks like in terms of maintaining my recovery, what the hottest spots for students are, exactly how many miles to the nearest Chick-fil-a and Chipotle, etc.

But...when it comes to my own personal experience, I won't know until I'm there. I'm supposed to be assigned my roommate before I go, but I have yet to find out who she is. I have yet to find out which residence hall I'm in. I can't register for classes because I've still got a medical hold on my file until I can see my doctor the day before I leave. I have no idea who my friends are going to be, have yet to decide which church I'm going to, haven't figured out my cell phone situation yet. 

Heck, I don't even know what it's really like to live on my own. The only time, other than vacations and missions trips, that I've been away for an extended period of time was for treatment. I didn't have any independence when I went to Mercy. How am I going to be when I'm completely my own responsibility?

And...my family. I'm finally just starting to build solid relationships with my parents, and my little brother has just entered his teenage years. I'm going to miss them so much. I'm going to miss staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking to my mother about life. I'm going to miss getting hugs from my brother whenever I want. I'm going to miss knowing that if I needed someone, I had a built-in support network. 

Through all this, I hold on to the assurance that it was God who opened this door. It really is a miracle that everything has fallen into place the way it has, and I'm very excited about this new season. I like to say that I'm filled with anxious anticipation for the future. I don't know what it's going to hold entirely, and I've prepared as much as I can, but now it's time to let go and trust that God has lined up the people He wants me to meet and He's already found the perfect (imperfect) church for me to attend.

I was talking to a friend of mine who just started at an American school this August. She was telling me that while her heart is up here in Canada, she's made a home in the States. She's made a home at her school. That's my hope too. I've explored the concept of home in previous blogs, and I've come to determine that it's not the physical location - it's the people, it's the experiences, and above all else, it's God. I firmly believe that I'll be able to make Gordon my home if I keep my perspective in the right place. 

So yes, there are plenty of things that I don't know and that terrifies me, but I'll be okay. Life is full of unknowns and I can't hide from them forever. 

Transition

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but because you have so much to say, it all gets muddled together into a big mess?

I feel like I need to write tonight, but I'm not sure what I want to write about because I've got so much I want to say. 

The theme of my life lately has been transition. Well, the theme of my life since September 21, 2010 has been transition, but now that transition is transitioning into a different type of transition. 

When I first graduated from Mercy Ministries, I was in a period of transition because I had to learn how to stand in the real world on my own two feet. It was very difficult, because I was still really learning what it meant to be free and how to deal with the curveballs that life threw at me. 

March 2011, I officially graduated high school. That was yet another transition. I was done my mandatory 13 years of education. I had to decide what I was doing with the rest of my life. Holy dang that felt like a huge weight on my shoulders.

Then came September 2011. I started my first year of college. Of course, that is another huge transition to undergo. That really was my first experience in the "adult" world. I was not even 19, and I was surrounded by 40 year olds in my classes. I'd always prided myself in being "more mature" than my peers, but to be thrown into a world where my peers were at least a decade older than me was terrifying to say the least. 

What two things do those three transition periods have in common? Simple. 1) The Unknown and 2) My eating disorder.

Each time that I walked into a season of transition in the past, I would get so overwhelmed. I had no idea what came next and that terrified me. I tried with all my might to figure things out, but I just couldn't do it and every time, I went back to the familiarity of my eating disorder. I didn't have to face the changes that were taking place if I was fully engaged in the eating disorder, and quite frankly, I didn't want to. I was much more comfortable with the the familiar evil than the unknown possibility.

As a result of that, I ended up back in treatment this summer. I did a day treatment program at a hospital nearby. I was there for 8 weeks. Ironically, the program that some people enter after they complete the intensive day treatment program is called transition. I didn't participate in transition though. 

Coming out of treatment once again, I entered another period of transition. This time, I was determined not to go back to the eating disorder. I had to figure out what life was going to look like for me, and that meant not going back to school this semester. It meant finding a private therapist to see every two weeks. It meant working at a flower farm. It meant letting go of all the friends that I'd held onto that were holding me down. 

Yeah, it's scary. Yes, I'm having to face the unknown. Yes, I'm up against a lot of circumstances that are beyond my control. And yes, the pull of the eating disorder is getting stronger and stronger lately, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't let it back in to an extent. So how is this time different, you may ask?

I can't put my finger on it exactly. I think it's just got something to do with the fact that I'm growing up. I'm 20 years old now, and while that is still very young, I'm really an adult now. There's no running from it, and I don't want to run anymore. I feel different. I feel like I'm equipped with all the tools I need to stand firm through this time...because I have no doubt that at some point, this season will end. After all, that's what seasons do. One ends, and another one will begin. 

I guess in the midst of the chaos of this season, I'm standing firm in the knowledge that I don't have to make everything go my way in order to call it a success. There's less pressure from myself to do it the "right" way, but rather, I'm just allowing myself to go with the flow. I'm trusting God that I'll end up where He wants me eventually...and I don't need to run and hide from all the changes. 

I don't even know if this made sense...because my thoughts towards this subject have yet to be fully formed...but I feel better having written it, and I guess that's what matters. 

An Issue of Identity

Man, I feel like I'm obsessing over this idea of authentic community. I literally can't go a day without thinking about what it means, and how it relates to my life in the moment and in the future.

I'm pretty sure that I'm getting myself back into that rut of analyzing things and running them into the ground. There's no possible way I can force anything to happen just by thinking of all the potential outcomes of a situation. I actually have to get out there and act on my revelations otherwise it's all for nothing.

I keep finding myself going back to friendships that I've had since I moved here and wanting to make them work when quite frankly, it's just not going to happen and I know that. Yet, I still go back to them and set myself up for failure and disappointment time and time again because that's what's familiar. It's my comfort zone.

I think I've been believing the lie that I can't experience community until I move away from Hamilton. That feels so true but only because I'm not being intentional about branching out and meeting new people in the area. I'm so focused on getting the heck outta dodge that I've been consumed by researching other places, other schools, other cities...and neglecting the opportunity to build relationships and community right here.

I don't have to move to a different country/province/state/continent to find solid, Christian friends...I just need to take the blinders off and open my eyes to the different people (who I most likely have yet to meet).

One reason that I haven't been following through on my desire for new friendships is because it's a lot easier to handle being rejected when I know it's coming. Going to a new church, making new friends...it's all unknown. While that is exactly what I want, it's also incredibly terrifying. I'm scared that I'm going to put myself out there and have my heart trampled all over my an entirely new group of people. I honestly don't know what it means to legitimately be a part of a thriving group of friends. I've always felt as though I'm just riding on other people's coat tails; like I'm just tagging along but don't actually belong.

It's more than just that though. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere...so how can I develop meaningful friendships if I am constantly self-sabotaging? I think that at the core of this whole issue, it all goes back to finding my home in His heart. Until I feel like I've found where I belong and am secure in that, I won't be looking to friendships to find where I belong. And I won't be constantly surrounding myself with people who don't want me around because I don't want to be around.

That really is what it comes down to. I need to be secure in my identity as a daughter of the King, secure in the fact that He is my only constant, my Home. That's the only way I'm going to experience anything remotely similar to freedom in this area...in any area really...