I'm going to Gordon College.
I move into the dorms on January 13. This is so beyond surreal.
I'm SO excited! It's finally happening! I'm finally going to school to study something that I'm genuinely interested in. I'm finally moving out and becoming independent. I'm finally figuring out who I am and what I want to do. The campus is absolutely stunning and it has a great reputation in the realm of Christian higher education.
So why, then, am I so terrified?
Since I found out that I got the money for the deposit, I haven't been able to sleep and when I do sleep, i'm having nightmares of everything that could possibly go wrong. From being denied at the border, to having a terrible roommate, to relapsing so hard while I'm there, to not making any friends.
I've always been very uncomfortable with the unknown, hence why I research EVERYTHING obsessively.
I can tell you exactly how many students go to Gordon, the exact distance from the front door of my house to the campus at Gordon, the names of all the different dorms, the times that every single course is being offered this semester and who is teaching them, and more.
I've found a few people who are currently students and I've been bombarding them with questions - everything from what kind of storage options do they have for clothes in the dorms, which profs are the best for the core courses, what food is good and what to avoid.
I can tell you about the surrounding area - which churches offer which ministries, what support looks like in terms of maintaining my recovery, what the hottest spots for students are, exactly how many miles to the nearest Chick-fil-a and Chipotle, etc.
But...when it comes to my own personal experience, I won't know until I'm there. I'm supposed to be assigned my roommate before I go, but I have yet to find out who she is. I have yet to find out which residence hall I'm in. I can't register for classes because I've still got a medical hold on my file until I can see my doctor the day before I leave. I have no idea who my friends are going to be, have yet to decide which church I'm going to, haven't figured out my cell phone situation yet.
Heck, I don't even know what it's really like to live on my own. The only time, other than vacations and missions trips, that I've been away for an extended period of time was for treatment. I didn't have any independence when I went to Mercy. How am I going to be when I'm completely my own responsibility?
And...my family. I'm finally just starting to build solid relationships with my parents, and my little brother has just entered his teenage years. I'm going to miss them so much. I'm going to miss staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking to my mother about life. I'm going to miss getting hugs from my brother whenever I want. I'm going to miss knowing that if I needed someone, I had a built-in support network.
Through all this, I hold on to the assurance that it was God who opened this door. It really is a miracle that everything has fallen into place the way it has, and I'm very excited about this new season. I like to say that I'm filled with anxious anticipation for the future. I don't know what it's going to hold entirely, and I've prepared as much as I can, but now it's time to let go and trust that God has lined up the people He wants me to meet and He's already found the perfect (imperfect) church for me to attend.
I was talking to a friend of mine who just started at an American school this August. She was telling me that while her heart is up here in Canada, she's made a home in the States. She's made a home at her school. That's my hope too. I've explored the concept of home in previous blogs, and I've come to determine that it's not the physical location - it's the people, it's the experiences, and above all else, it's God. I firmly believe that I'll be able to make Gordon my home if I keep my perspective in the right place.
So yes, there are plenty of things that I don't know and that terrifies me, but I'll be okay. Life is full of unknowns and I can't hide from them forever.
