The Body of Christ at Gordon College

I've been here at Gordon College for 5 weeks and 2 days - no, I promise I'm not counting intentionally. I've just got a running calendar in my brain. I'm adjusting very well, and I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has placed me here at Gordon for such a time as this. 

A big thing on this campus is community, but I've discovered that no matter how much superficial community there may be, everyone is sort of isolated within themselves. My goal over the next few years is to begin to find a way to develop intimacy within the context of healthy, biblical community. 

On this campus, people pretend that they have it all together and the real issues are almost taboo to talk about, but I don't really care about that. I came into Gordon with the mentality of developing authentic relationships, and that requires being real and honest with people about where you're at…while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. I've found that as I've shared bits and pieces of my heart with people, they're able to open up and it breaks down the walls that are so common on this campus. I've seen that as I've been intentional about authenticity, it's beginning to spread at least throughout my dorm and with the transfers that I came in with. 

I've talked a lot about community in previous blogs, and I've been exploring the concept for quite some time, but it's taking on a new depth to me in this season. Living together with a roommate, 14 other girls on my floor, 96 [ish] people in my dorm, and 1500 students on campus really brings the issue of community to the forefront. How do we live cohesively as a unit in a way that is glorifying to God?

In 1 Corinthians 12:12-26, Paul is talking about how we, as believers in Christ, all belong to one body. It gives the picture of a physical body saying that each part has a function and a purpose. One part of the body cannot perform the same tasks as another part. It simply was not created that way. As a result of this, if we lose the use of one part of the body, we do suffer a great loss. The other parts of the body eventually adapt to pick up some of the duties of the other part of the body, but it doesn't make the situation better. 

Verses 25-26 (MSG) say this:

The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.

If I take this and apply it to life at Gordon (which is applicable because we could be considered the Church with a capital C), I interpret it as saying that each student, each faculty member, each staff has something crucial to contribute to the community at Gordon. To live in intimate, biblical, Christ-centered community, it is evident that we have to recognize the fact that we are all individuals with unique things that we are able to bring to the table, yet find a way to appreciate that and not say that since we're all so different, we should just stay within our little cliques or friend groups. 

One of my desires for Gordon College as a whole is that we open our eyes and our arms to the people who surround us on a daily basis and welcome them into our lives. I've talked to countless people in the past 5 weeks who feel so isolated and lonely because no one has taken the time to step back and invite them in. These people who live on the fringes of the Gordon bubble have much to contribute - their voice matters just as much as the rest of us - and we should live in a way that amplifies each other's voices and encourages the strengths of others. 

Practically, I think that the first step to achieving a goal as broad as this would be to step out of your comfort zone and talk to someone who seems to be completely different than someone you would normally associate yourself with. There are so many different types of people here, and we learn valuable lessons by interacting with those who are not the same as us. Have a conversation. Sit with a different group of people at dinner. 

If the people reading this take only one thing away, let it be this:

Live intentionally. Seek out new relationships. Embrace the uncomfortable, for that is where the transformation takes place. 

I Will Climb This Mountain With My Hands Wide Open

I've been here at Gordon College for exactly four weeks today, and I can't even explain how great it feels to be here.

The first two weeks of being here were extremely challenging - physically, academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I missed my brother more than anything, and although I never really wanted to go home, I found myself missing the comfort and predictability of home more than I would care to admit.

All the fears and anxieties I had coming in have been assuaged though, and I really am thriving. God has been so faithful in the transition here, and I'm very proud of the progress and the steps I've taken to ensure that this transition has been a success.

I realized early on that I could not do this alone - so within the first week of being here, I had set up a system of accountability for myself that has greatly assisted me with staying on track. I have weekly meetings with a mentor who checks in with me and who I feel safe enough to be honest with, and I also meet with a woman in the Academic Support Center to help me with time management. There's also another Mercy grad on campus who I've gotten the opportunity to connect with and she's definitely been a great help in feeling connected. I love her.

When it comes to meals, I try to plan to eat as many as I can with other people. If I plan my meals, I have no excuse not to go. Also, that is a wonderful opportunity for me to get to know people and hear their stories and their heart for the Lord.

My roommate has been incredible, and the people in my dorm are super friendly. I consider myself extremely blessed to be living in a dorm that is known all across campus for it's community. It's the smallest, and oldest dorm on campus, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Also, God has opened some doors for me to walk alongside of a couple girls around campus as they go through some similar things that I have come out of. It's really encouraging to me to be able to share the tools that I've learned and encourage them that freedom is real and that they can get here too. I've very excited to see how God continues to move in their lives, and I fully intend on sticking with them through this process.

Another thing that I'm in the process of doing right now is applying to be a resident advisor for next semester. Essentially, that means that I would have a leadership position on the floor, and I would be responsible for facilitating community and building relationships with the girls on my floor. If you've been following my blog for the past couple years, you'd know that that is an issue that I've really been thinking about and praying through and I really feel as though this would be a great opportunity for me to put my learning into practice.

Being an RA is something that would get me out of my comfort zone, and I know that it would be a huge challenge for me. I'm really excited about that though, because since coming to Gordon, my whole thing has been getting out of my comfort zone and being uncomfortable but moving forward anyways. I've learned that it's in those times where I'm living outside of my comfort zone that growth occurs. I long to live a life of constant growth and learning.

Moving forward in my personal, spiritual, and academic life is something that I place so much value in right now. I want my years at Gordon to be transformative. I want to graduate from here as someone who's life has been enriched and who's worldview has been expanded. I'm taking every opportunity I'm given very seriously (but not too seriously because I still like to have fun!).

Another thing that I love about being here is all the opportunities we have to worship. We have chapel twice a week and convocation on Fridays, Chasement on Thursday nights, and Catacombs on Sunday nights. It's such a blessing to gather with other students and worship.

Tonight, I went to Catacombs and it was so refreshing. God really challenged me with a single line from one of the songs - "There's nothing I hold onto." I realized that even though I've been doing really well here at Gordon and it's been incredible, I've still been holding onto some things that I need to surrender to the Lord. It's a constant struggle for me when it comes to certain things, because I'll surrender them, but then I'll pick them back up again. I feel like a hamster running on a wheel...but now, I'm getting off that wheel and surrendering them once and for all, and it's going to be a long process, but I'm excited for what it's going to look like to walk it out.

Overall, my first four weeks at Gordon have been nothing short of unforgettable. I've met so many new people, learned so many new things, experienced freedom in ways that I never thought possible for myself, and seen God move in real, tangible ways. If this is any indication of what the next two and a half years here are going to look like, then I have no doubt that these years will be some of the best years of my life.

I'm Going to Gordon!

So now that I'm officially going to college, I suppose I should update this blog. It's not like anyone reads it regularly, but since I used it back in 2011 to talk about my decision between Gordon and Trevecca, I feel it is only appropriate.

I'm going to Gordon College.

 I move into the dorms on January 13. This is so beyond surreal. 

I'm SO excited! It's finally happening! I'm finally going to school to study something that I'm genuinely interested in. I'm finally moving out and becoming independent. I'm finally figuring out who I am and what I want to do. The campus is absolutely stunning and it has a great reputation in the realm of Christian higher education.

So why, then, am I so terrified?

Since I found out that I got the money for the deposit, I haven't been able to sleep and when I do sleep, i'm having nightmares of everything that could possibly go wrong. From being denied at the border, to having a terrible roommate, to relapsing so hard while I'm there, to not making any friends.

I've always been very uncomfortable with the unknown, hence why I research EVERYTHING obsessively. 

I can tell you exactly how many students go to Gordon, the exact distance from the front door of my house to the campus at Gordon, the names of all the different dorms, the times that every single course is being offered this semester and who is teaching them, and more. 

I've found a few people who are currently students and I've been bombarding them with questions - everything from what kind of storage options do they have for clothes in the dorms, which profs are the best for the core courses, what food is good and what to avoid. 

I can tell you about the surrounding area - which churches offer which ministries, what support looks like in terms of maintaining my recovery, what the hottest spots for students are, exactly how many miles to the nearest Chick-fil-a and Chipotle, etc.

But...when it comes to my own personal experience, I won't know until I'm there. I'm supposed to be assigned my roommate before I go, but I have yet to find out who she is. I have yet to find out which residence hall I'm in. I can't register for classes because I've still got a medical hold on my file until I can see my doctor the day before I leave. I have no idea who my friends are going to be, have yet to decide which church I'm going to, haven't figured out my cell phone situation yet. 

Heck, I don't even know what it's really like to live on my own. The only time, other than vacations and missions trips, that I've been away for an extended period of time was for treatment. I didn't have any independence when I went to Mercy. How am I going to be when I'm completely my own responsibility?

And...my family. I'm finally just starting to build solid relationships with my parents, and my little brother has just entered his teenage years. I'm going to miss them so much. I'm going to miss staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking to my mother about life. I'm going to miss getting hugs from my brother whenever I want. I'm going to miss knowing that if I needed someone, I had a built-in support network. 

Through all this, I hold on to the assurance that it was God who opened this door. It really is a miracle that everything has fallen into place the way it has, and I'm very excited about this new season. I like to say that I'm filled with anxious anticipation for the future. I don't know what it's going to hold entirely, and I've prepared as much as I can, but now it's time to let go and trust that God has lined up the people He wants me to meet and He's already found the perfect (imperfect) church for me to attend.

I was talking to a friend of mine who just started at an American school this August. She was telling me that while her heart is up here in Canada, she's made a home in the States. She's made a home at her school. That's my hope too. I've explored the concept of home in previous blogs, and I've come to determine that it's not the physical location - it's the people, it's the experiences, and above all else, it's God. I firmly believe that I'll be able to make Gordon my home if I keep my perspective in the right place. 

So yes, there are plenty of things that I don't know and that terrifies me, but I'll be okay. Life is full of unknowns and I can't hide from them forever. 

Transition

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say but because you have so much to say, it all gets muddled together into a big mess?

I feel like I need to write tonight, but I'm not sure what I want to write about because I've got so much I want to say. 

The theme of my life lately has been transition. Well, the theme of my life since September 21, 2010 has been transition, but now that transition is transitioning into a different type of transition. 

When I first graduated from Mercy Ministries, I was in a period of transition because I had to learn how to stand in the real world on my own two feet. It was very difficult, because I was still really learning what it meant to be free and how to deal with the curveballs that life threw at me. 

March 2011, I officially graduated high school. That was yet another transition. I was done my mandatory 13 years of education. I had to decide what I was doing with the rest of my life. Holy dang that felt like a huge weight on my shoulders.

Then came September 2011. I started my first year of college. Of course, that is another huge transition to undergo. That really was my first experience in the "adult" world. I was not even 19, and I was surrounded by 40 year olds in my classes. I'd always prided myself in being "more mature" than my peers, but to be thrown into a world where my peers were at least a decade older than me was terrifying to say the least. 

What two things do those three transition periods have in common? Simple. 1) The Unknown and 2) My eating disorder.

Each time that I walked into a season of transition in the past, I would get so overwhelmed. I had no idea what came next and that terrified me. I tried with all my might to figure things out, but I just couldn't do it and every time, I went back to the familiarity of my eating disorder. I didn't have to face the changes that were taking place if I was fully engaged in the eating disorder, and quite frankly, I didn't want to. I was much more comfortable with the the familiar evil than the unknown possibility.

As a result of that, I ended up back in treatment this summer. I did a day treatment program at a hospital nearby. I was there for 8 weeks. Ironically, the program that some people enter after they complete the intensive day treatment program is called transition. I didn't participate in transition though. 

Coming out of treatment once again, I entered another period of transition. This time, I was determined not to go back to the eating disorder. I had to figure out what life was going to look like for me, and that meant not going back to school this semester. It meant finding a private therapist to see every two weeks. It meant working at a flower farm. It meant letting go of all the friends that I'd held onto that were holding me down. 

Yeah, it's scary. Yes, I'm having to face the unknown. Yes, I'm up against a lot of circumstances that are beyond my control. And yes, the pull of the eating disorder is getting stronger and stronger lately, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't let it back in to an extent. So how is this time different, you may ask?

I can't put my finger on it exactly. I think it's just got something to do with the fact that I'm growing up. I'm 20 years old now, and while that is still very young, I'm really an adult now. There's no running from it, and I don't want to run anymore. I feel different. I feel like I'm equipped with all the tools I need to stand firm through this time...because I have no doubt that at some point, this season will end. After all, that's what seasons do. One ends, and another one will begin. 

I guess in the midst of the chaos of this season, I'm standing firm in the knowledge that I don't have to make everything go my way in order to call it a success. There's less pressure from myself to do it the "right" way, but rather, I'm just allowing myself to go with the flow. I'm trusting God that I'll end up where He wants me eventually...and I don't need to run and hide from all the changes. 

I don't even know if this made sense...because my thoughts towards this subject have yet to be fully formed...but I feel better having written it, and I guess that's what matters. 

An Issue of Identity

Man, I feel like I'm obsessing over this idea of authentic community. I literally can't go a day without thinking about what it means, and how it relates to my life in the moment and in the future.

I'm pretty sure that I'm getting myself back into that rut of analyzing things and running them into the ground. There's no possible way I can force anything to happen just by thinking of all the potential outcomes of a situation. I actually have to get out there and act on my revelations otherwise it's all for nothing.

I keep finding myself going back to friendships that I've had since I moved here and wanting to make them work when quite frankly, it's just not going to happen and I know that. Yet, I still go back to them and set myself up for failure and disappointment time and time again because that's what's familiar. It's my comfort zone.

I think I've been believing the lie that I can't experience community until I move away from Hamilton. That feels so true but only because I'm not being intentional about branching out and meeting new people in the area. I'm so focused on getting the heck outta dodge that I've been consumed by researching other places, other schools, other cities...and neglecting the opportunity to build relationships and community right here.

I don't have to move to a different country/province/state/continent to find solid, Christian friends...I just need to take the blinders off and open my eyes to the different people (who I most likely have yet to meet).

One reason that I haven't been following through on my desire for new friendships is because it's a lot easier to handle being rejected when I know it's coming. Going to a new church, making new friends...it's all unknown. While that is exactly what I want, it's also incredibly terrifying. I'm scared that I'm going to put myself out there and have my heart trampled all over my an entirely new group of people. I honestly don't know what it means to legitimately be a part of a thriving group of friends. I've always felt as though I'm just riding on other people's coat tails; like I'm just tagging along but don't actually belong.

It's more than just that though. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere...so how can I develop meaningful friendships if I am constantly self-sabotaging? I think that at the core of this whole issue, it all goes back to finding my home in His heart. Until I feel like I've found where I belong and am secure in that, I won't be looking to friendships to find where I belong. And I won't be constantly surrounding myself with people who don't want me around because I don't want to be around.

That really is what it comes down to. I need to be secure in my identity as a daughter of the King, secure in the fact that He is my only constant, my Home. That's the only way I'm going to experience anything remotely similar to freedom in this area...in any area really...

Late Night Ramblings About Loneliness, etc

Tonight, I`m struggling.

I`m not entirely sure why. I`ve had a decent day. Spent time with God this morning, went in to Toronto for a bit, came home, visited a friend, then had my dance recital, but in the midst of it all, that loneliness I`ve been so accustomed to began to set in again.

When I`m here in Hamilton, I often feel as though I`m on the outside looking in at the rest of the people I`m surrounded by doing life together, but I`m just...not included. Now, don`t get me wrong. I know that I am to an extent. I`m sure part of what I`m experiencing as loneliness is simply just me adjusting the yet another major transition in my life, but I`m also aware that the reality is that I honestly don`t have the same level of friendship with people here in Hamilton as I do in Nashville and California. I`m not known on such an intimate level, and I miss it.

I have the desire to know and be known. I have the desire to be in a community of believers that desires my presence instead of ignoring it. Tonight as I lay here in my bed pondering life, I can`t help but wonder when it will be my turn to be included, wanted, loved, and accepted for who I am...in person...on a consistent basis.

I have this awful tendency to place more value on the relationships I have with other people than my relationship with God. As I wrote in my last blog, He is the only one who is always consistent, loving, safe, and secure. Since I wrote that blog, I really have been spending time seeking Him and trying to find my place in His heart. That is surely the most important thing I will ever do.

However, I would love to have a tangible person in my life. Someone who I can call friend who is able to do as it says in the Scriptures. "As iron sharpens iron, let one man sharpen another." I want a Christian friend who will love me so much they won't hesitate to call me out on things I shouldn't be doing or encourage me in hard times, or celebrate and rejoice with me when life is going well. I want our friendship to be reciprocal.

Maybe this blog sounds a bit like a pity party. That's not my intention. I suppose that this is me being real. I'm struggling with loneliness tonight. My emotions are all over the place and I'd rather shut down and block all of this out, but that would be allowing them to control me.

As Grandma Joyce says, "Feelings are fickle." To have emotions is a very natural, human thing. I would even go so far as to say it's a good thing to be able to experience emotions, but when they take over your life in any way, it's too much. I don't want to be a slave to my ever-changing emotions, but I do feel as though I need to acknowledge them because pretending they don't exist never gets me anywhere.

So, I'm feeling lonely.

Fact: I'm not alone. Not even here in person. I have people in my life here who care about me. They do the best they can with where they're at right now, and I will accept that. God is with me also. Always. God is always with me, therefore I am never alone...even in the loneliest seasons.

Random though that relates to this topic that just popped into my head...I think I've been expecting perfection from my relationships, not just from myself. I've been placing a standard on my friendships and if they don't meet that standard then they're not "real" friendships. Really, Alexis? Really? I've been limiting myself and cutting myself off from some people who really don't need to be cut off...because although they didn't meet my standard, these people genuinely want to be my friends.

Tonight, I'm setting aside my expectations. I'm setting aside my standards (not compromising them. They're still there...). I commit right now to opening up to the idea of imperfect friendships. I mean, after all my talk about authentic community, you'd think I'd already come to that conclusion, but apparently it took until to 2:30am this morning to realize that in authentic, real community....life is not perfect.

Man. I feel like I'm all over the place tonight. That being said, good night world. I'll see you in the morning.

His Heart is My Home.

I haven't posted on here in...wow...it feels like forever. I would apologize for the inconsistency, but I'm not writing this blog for anyone besides myself so I won't. :)

As I was reflecting on my last few posts just now, I'm realizing that I'm still contemplating the same things that I was when I wrote the posts. Community and home...except now I feel as though it's evolved a bit.

I'm in California right now...at my friend Monique's house. It's been really great to be here because I feel like I'm learning so much simply by watching her interact with the people that God has placed in her life. Her community. I have honestly never experienced anything remotely similar to the kind of community and friendship that is so evident in this place.

The authenticity of their relationships is like a breath of fresh air. I would love to develop relationships like that. They don't hide who they are. They're just...real. They are the truest example I know of what it means to do life together. Even the church that they pastor...the congregation is full of some seriously messed up people, but they don't hide it. I'd rather be in a church where people are real about their flaws, addictions, issues, etc than be in a church where everyone hides behind a facade and pretends to be the perfect Christian.

I know that I've definitely been guilty of hiding my true self because I feel ashamed of my struggles. I feel ashamed that I'm not the perfect Christian, but really...who is? The only perfect human being that ever walked the face of this earth was Jesus Christ...and even He was tempted. I'm tired of the religious, stuck up, fake Christian. I'm tired of being that person.

Depending on the people I'm with, I feel as though I have to put on a different face with each group. With the "Church" people, I feel the need to be perfect. With another group of friends, I feel like I have to be super depressed and sick. The truth is...I don't live in either extreme. I'm not perfect, obviously...but at the same time I'm not completely hopeless. I feel like I live somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I lean further in one direction than the other, but I'm never on either extreme. I have the hope of the gospel, but if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm struggling with some things that I've been dealing with again very intensely for the past year or so. I'm tired of hiding where I'm at. I'm tired of living a life with multiple masks and with no one seeing who I really am.

At the same time, I know that I can't trust every single person and just pour out my burdens on each person I come in contact with. Not only is that not conducive to building healthy relationships, it's a very dysfunctional way of interacting with the outside world. Boundaries are in place for a reason, but I don't have to turn my boundaries into impenetrable fortresses either. Right now, I don't feel like I have many super safe people in real life who I can even begin to build that trust with. BUT...I need to remember that I do have people in Nashville and California who are more than willing to put in that time to build solid relationships with me. I've got big sisters who will hold me accountable, and I've got friends who will be there to laugh with me and rejoice with me and cry with me.

Now that I've seen a true life example of what authentic community looks like, I know what I'm aiming for. It's been really cool to see it in action.

Now onto the second topic of the night....home.

As I posted in my last blog, I've really been struggling with the thought of home. Trying to define home has been a great challenge for me, and I've struggled with setting an official definition of home for myself.

Today, I was talking to my friend, and she shared a revelation that she had a little while ago while thinking about the concept of home as well. It's just a simple sentence, but it packs such a punch. There's so much truth in five words.

His heart is my home.

If I'm walking with God...living in His will...dwelling in constant communion with God, then I am home. If I want a home that is consistent, loving, safe, secure, and constant...the only place that I can be sure to find that is to find my place in His heart.

I've always been so focused on the physical location of home, or the things that I want in a home, or other earthly, temporal things that I desire but the truth of the matter is that anything that is not....God...will ultimately end. People may reject me. I may move away from a house...but God is omnipresent. He's never going anywhere. I can trust Him fully to provide the best home for me.

He knows my deepest longings, darkest secrets, faults, failures, hopes, and dreams. He loves me in spite of all the times I mess up, and He has a great plan and purpose for my life. In order for me to find my home, I need to seek His heart more than I ever have in my entire life.

God's Word says that He's able to provide abundantly more than I could ever ask, seek, or desire...so I think it's time that I start seeking Him to find my home. He'll provide me a better home than I could ever imagine.

As I embark on this lifelong journey of finding my home in His heart, I challenge you to join me. Spend some time seriously seeking His heart and finding where you fit. I promise you...He has a spot prepared just for you.