2nd Annual Walk for Freedom

I'm writing with a heavy heart tonight.

On Sunday. I am participating in the 2nd Annual Walk for Freedom in Toronto. I've been praying about this event for a few weeks now, and the time is fast approaching. I'm so excited about it and am looking forward to meeting some fellow abolitionists, so please don't get me wrong when I say that it makes me really sad to have to do this.

I started college last week. I'm taking the Assaulted Women's and Children's Counsellor/Advocate Program. We're learning all about the blatant human rights violations that women are encountering today, and we're learning about the different ways that violence is perpetrated against the ones most vulnerable.

It is exactly those people that I am walking for. I'm walking for the ones who are so stuck in the cycle of violence that they see no way of escape - no hope for a brighter future. When I think about what I'm learning, and I put it together with the faces of all the girls and women that I've encountered in my life who are dealing with these things, my heart literally hurts.

I think of the little girl that I dreamed about when I was at Mercy. I think of one of my closest friends. I think of the women in my program who have been abused in ways similar to this. It makes me feel so small.

Sometimes I wonder how I, a young almost 19 year old girl, could make any sort of difference regarding trafficking and abuse. What can I do that will have maximum impact? But then I remember that it's not about me saving the world...it's about God moving in the lives of individuals through me.

As I walk on Sunday, my hearts cry is that God would speak through me. That I would been a voice of change. A voice of love. A voice of hope. A voice of freedom.

Also, I know it's last minute, but if you see this and you feel like you want to donate towards the cause, pleace check out the link that I'm going to post and feel free to donate. All your money goes towards setting these women and children free.

"We join together to raise our voices on their behalf, we join together to stand for freedom and justice, and we join together to say that human trafficking is slavery and that it needs to stop!"

Walk to Stop Human Trafficking

Faith in the Midst of the Unknown

Can you believe it's September already? I can't. I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted a blog, but we didn't have internet all summer, and I was just taking some time to process and think about what is ahead. Our internet was reconnected though, so here I am!

Where to start...where to start?

Well, I'm going to George Brown College this fall. I start on Tuesday. The program I'm doing is very specific...very intense. It's called the Assaulted Women's and Children's Counsellor/Advocate Program. I applied for two programs three weeks ago with this one as my top choice. However, I just found out that I was accepted this past Tuesday...after I had already confirmed at Mohawk and spent the day there for the Smart Start sessions.

I'm kind of nervous about going to college. George Brown is in downtown Toronto, and I live in the suburbs of Hamilton...so I'm definitely going to be commuting. Basically, what that means is that I have to wake up at 5am to get ready at catch the GO bus at 6:20am in the days that I have 8am classes. Please allow me to inform you just how NOT excited I am about that...but hopefully I'll be able to organize it so that in the remaining semesters (it's a two year program) I won't have any early morning classes.

It's so surreal though. I mean, I was reading back over some of my last blogs and I remember that at the time, college in Canada wasn't even a possibility. I was going to Trevecca. I was moving to Nashville and that's all there was to it. Clearly, however, that didn't happen. I didn't get the money in time to get my student visa...so I had to defer enrollment. It is still an option for next year, but we'll take that as it comes.

This summer has honestly been one of tremendous personal and spiritual growth for me. God has taken me on the journey of a lifetime that has included forgiveness and truly surrendering my will to Him. This summer, I learned what it means to trust God in the fullest. To trust that He has better plans for my life than I do. To trust that He will provide financially. To trust that He will open the right doors and close the wrong ones.

I've had some really hard, discouraging experiences this summer...but in that, God revealed His faithfulness ever more. As soon as I stopped fighting God every step of the way, He made it easier to get through each day. I had to die to myself every time my fleshly desire to control everything crept in...which was like...every minute. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm perfect now, because I'm not...but I do know that I have experienced true growth this summer. I can't control every aspect of my life, and I'm beginning to be okay with that.

The closer that it gets to Tuesday, the more my anxiety keeps going up. It's a constant battle for me to allow peace to reign in my life. I have this crazy intense fear of the unknown, so I like to prepare as much as possible. I like to have advance notice for any drastic change or transition that is taking place in my life. And by advance...I'm talking 3-6 months notice so I can meet people who've been where I'm going and research the place to the point where I haven't even been there yet and I could answer all the questions for people thinking about going. I make myself into an expert and that alleviates most of the anxiety surrounding the situation.

I had done that with Trevecca. I had done that with Gordon. I had not, however, done that with George Brown. I only applied three weeks ago. I was accepted less than a week ago. I haven't even had a month to plan. I don't know all there is to know. I've never talked to anyone doing this program. I only know what I could read on the website. It's a whole new level of...I don't even know. Life, I guess?

One thing I do know for sure though is that if I hadn't gone through everything that I have this summer, I wouldn't be handling this nearly as well as I am. I'm not having panic attacks, because every time I start to feel my heart beating faster and my thoughts start racing, I take the anxieties to the foot of the cross. No, I don't feel ready for this...but clearly, God opened this door. I know that because it's not something that I ever would have done on my own. Never in a million years.

Because I'm so confident that it is God who led me down this unknown path, I have faith that He will go before me and prepare a way for me. It's going to be hard. A huge adjustment is going to take place, but I know that I'll get through it...and I'll grow even more because of it.

So as I wait in nervous anticipation for 34 hours and 42 minutes to pass, I'm going to praise God for working behind the scenes to make everything come together at just the right time. I know that He will continue to work behind the scenes as long as I live, and I am so, so grateful for that.

Wisdom Living

Yesterday was a day that is worthy of two blog posts today.

The first one is my response to Pastor Sheila's message last night. It was actually amazing...and really got me thinking about wisdom.

Wisdom - being skillful and successful in the art of living.
What is the art of living? It's modeling wisdom.

Pastor Sheila made the statement that the church, in general, should stand head and shoulders above the rest of the world.

"Why," you may ask?

Well, let's go back to the basics.

God is wisdom.
The Trinity has three parts. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
When we got saved, the Holy Spirit came and took up residence in our heart.
Holy Spirit = God.
God = wisdom.
Holy Spirit living in us = built-in wisdom.

If you take all that into consideration, it makes sense that Christians should be recognized for the wisdom that exudes off of them. However, that rarely seems to happen.

In the past, I've been so wrapped up in knowing the right things to say and sounding smart that I neglect to examine my behaviour. You know the saying "actions speak louder than words"? Well, that's perfectly applicable in this situation.

I was saying all the right things at all the right times, but my life was in shambles. It's no wonder I wasn't seeing any fruit when I tried to reach out to people. I was so intent on telling my friends what would happen if they got saved...that they would experience true joy and freedom, etc. The thing is, I was clearly living in bondage. I can just imagine the thoughts running through their mind...

"If that's what Christianity is, I want no part of it."

"She's worse off than me! Why would I want to be like her?!"

In wisdom living, our actions should have the same weight (if not more) than our words. People should notice a difference in the way we live before we even open our mouths to tell them about God and what He can do for them.

And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.
1 Corinthians 2:1-5

In this passage, Paul is talking to the Corinthian church when they were young in their faith. He's talking about how he didn't approach them with big, churchy words. He just went in with the raw honesty of what Jesus did in him...and for them. He didn't go in their with a "holier than thou" attitude. He didn't take credit for his awesomeness.

In fact, he says that he came to them in weakness. To me, that shows that he wasn't afraid to be human...and to let them know that he was just like them, but his message was so full of power. Not because he used big words, but because of the work of the Holy Spirit in his life. He went to them in such a way that he would get none of the glory and honour, but God would get it all.

I want so badly for my life to be a demonstration of the Spirit's power! I don't want to take any glory for the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. It all belongs to Him.

Pastor Sheila shared another scripture that really got me thinking as well.

Daniel answered and said:
“Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,
For wisdom and might are His.
And He changes the times and the seasons;
He removes kings and raises up kings;
He gives wisdom to the wise
And knowledge to those who have understanding."

Daniel 2:20-21 (NKJV)

"God gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding?! What the heck is the point of that?!" That was my response when she first shared that scripture, but as she began to unpack it...it started to make more sense to me.

"The wise get more wisdom added to their life because they are smart enough to seek God fervently. To contend and not give up."

~ Pastor Sheila

How many times have I approached God in my prayer times to ask for wisdom regarding a certain situation only to give up a short while later because there was no response? I got so discouraged because nothing was happening. I was no closer to having any more knowledge of what to do in the situation...so I just decided to try to figure it out on my own.

When I think about that, it makes sense to me. God desires me to diligently seek Him...not just go to Him for wisdom on a one-time basis. He wants me to be flat on my face before Him, desperately seeking after Him. He wants to know that I know that whatever wisdom I receive is not just coming from my own brain. He wants to know that I will give Him the glory for the results of the situation...because without Him, I would be stuck in the same place that I was before.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who diligently seek him.
Hebrews 11:6

The whole purpose of wisdom is that it would glorify God...so it makes sense that He's not going to give foolish people wisdom, because they'd take all the glory for something that wasn't even their own in the first place.

As I walk into this next season (I'm still trying to determine exactly what it's going to look like...), I really need to be seeking God diligently. He is the only one who has a clear enough vision of my future to show me what steps I need to take. As I spend more time with Him and develop a more intimate relationship with Him, He will give me revelation about the steps that I am to take that will lead me down a path of success.

All in all, I want to be a safe person for God to share His wisdom with. I want Him to be able to trust me to handle the wisdom in a responsible manner.

Decidophobia - The Fear of Making Decisions

Here I am again! It's 3:45am, and I am just starting to write a blog. For some odd reason, I think my deepest thoughts and have the most self-realization at night. Gosh, I love the way my body is so mixed up! [/sarcasm]

Just once, I'd love to realize something major during the day...

So, for the past few hours, I've been sitting here on my bed trolling the internet for whatever I can find. Tonight, that "whatever" happened to be Liberty University's website. Liberty then turned into UCLA which turned into Biola. (No, I don't understand the different progression of schools. It just...happened. :P)

I've been looking at different schools in different states (none in Canada of course...). Different undergraduate degrees, Masters degrees, and even doctoral programs. Each different school, different degree, and different state could lead to a whole different life for me.

I know that I've been accepted at Trevecca and have decided to go there in the fall, but the money hasn't come in yet. I'm starting to wonder whether it will come in at all. The money isn't really where I'm going with this blog though - well, it kind of is, but not entirely.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I kind of don't want the money to come in for Trevecca. It's not that I don't want to go there, because I do. I want to go to university. I want to get on with my life. The thing is...


I'm scared.


My whole life, I've bounced from one city to another, one school to another, one life to another. I don't like the idea of settling down...of committing to something long term.

Some of you might think that four years in one place is not that long. I, however, beg to differ.

This week coming up will be four years of my family living in Ontario. It's the longest length of time my family has stayed anywhere in my whole life. Even in these four years, I've been out of the country a few times on trips (which isn't highly unusual but my main motivation for the trips was the need to get out of here...not for pleasure, but to preserve my own sanity), spent 8 months last year in Nashville, and tried to live in Toronto for a few weeks.

In the past four years I have attended 6 different schools. Been at four different churches for an extended period of time. Gone through many, many peer groups. Seen a bunch of different therapists and doctors.

With all that in mind, four years in one place seems like a hell of a long time. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can commit to staying in one place for so long.

Throughout my life, there has only been one thing that I have been able to stick to through everything. That has been my eating disorder. It has been what I fell back on in every situation. When something went wrong, I could always resort to my distorted thoughts and behaviours regarding food. It was my safety net. If my life was chaotic, I would use the eating disorder to bring stability. If my life was too stable, I'd use it to shake things up a bit.

Going into this next season, I don't have that safety net anymore. It's not even an option for me if I go to university. I'm going to be paying top dollar to receive my education, and I'm not going to throw it away because I'm too busy counting calories to write papers.

That being said, I'm afraid to commit to anything in regards to my education because I know that the eating disorder is not an option. If I fail, I'm not going to have an excuse.

Part of me thinks that it would be easier to just not go to school because I won't have to deal with the disappointment of letting myself down. I won't have to feel weighted down by commitments because I won't make any long term decisions.

The thing is...I'm letting the present hang in the balance right now. I'm not making concrete long term plans, but I'm not making any plans in the present either because I don't know if I'm going to make any long term decisions. It's a catch-22. I can't make the decisions that I need to right now if I refuse to make the decisions that I need to for my future and vice versa.

At the rate I'm going, my life is going to be spent right here where I am right now. Sitting on my bed in my parents house, staring at my computer screen. Not doing anything besides dreaming about an amazing future but knowing that it will never happen because I'm too afraid to get out of my comfort zone and actually DO something.

I have a very avoidant personality when it comes to things like this. I avoid making big decisions because I'm afraid of failure, but I avoid making small decisions because...well...eventually small decisions aren't enough and I'll be forced to make a big decision. So I don't make any decisions besides the one not to make decisions.

I don't really know how to get over that, other than to just do it. But...when I do go to "just do it", I become paralyzed with fear and trepidation. I over think things...and I just get myself into a big mess.

It's so easy for me to have all these big dreams of things that I would love to accomplish one day and to plan things far down the road because in the back of my mind, I am convinced that I will never achieve them. As far as I can tell, that's an issue that I probably need to work on.

So...what does that mean in the present? I guess that means I need to mail off the OSAP papers and stop trying to self-sabotage my feeble attempt to overcome that paralyzing fear of actually committing myself to something and sticking with it.




On a completely unrelated note...does anyone know why we capitalize both the 'h' and the 'b' in Happy Birthday?

Love.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG)

Lately, I've been learning to love. More specifically, I'm learning to love even when it hurts like hell.

Love? Pain? Really? Yes, really. For those of you who haven't learned this yet, love hurts. Sometimes it hurts to the point of physical pain. It hurts because you can't control the other person's actions. You can't make everything better. When they hurt, you hurt. When they push you away, it feels like they're stabbing you in the chest repeatedly. When they're happy, you're happy. The list could go on...

For me, part of learning to love has been learning to let go. To let go of trying to control someone. To let go of trying to fix them, and to place the person in God's hands.

Something I'm learning is that letting go and giving up are not equivalent. I'm letting go of her, but I'm not giving up. I still hold on to hope. I still stand in faith that one day, she will see the truth. I'm believing that when that time comes, she'll come back. And if she doesn't come back to me, then I'm believing that there will be someone there who can guide her back to the Cross.

I refuse to give up. I'm not a quitter, and I'm not quitting on her.

But I am letting go.

"Learning to love even in the pain is far harder than coming out of your own pain."
~ Shandi Bleiken

Pointless Blog that I Wrote Out of Pure Enjoyment of Life

I'm taking a break from reading the TNU Student Handbook for the gazillionth time to write this blog. For some reason, I just clicked out of the Handbook and came directly here. I'm not exactly sure what I want to write about, but I feel like that's how a lot of my blogs come about.

I talked to my roommate today. She's also one of my closest friends. She's also a current Mercy resident. We decided to be roommates because we know that we live together well. I wish we had more time to talk...instead of fifteen freaking minutes a week. That's not nearly enough time to cover all the roommate basics. Who's bringing what? What kind of study habits do we each have? Lights on or off at night? What's the theme of our dorm room going to be? Are we lofting our beds for more space?

So while taking a break from reading the Student Handbook, I decided to take a break from this blog to go get some orange sherbert. I seem to be taking breaks from everything today!

I'm in a very random mood today. Consistency is boring to me. I have to be doing many things at once to feel as though I'm not bored out of my mind. I guess that's where this blog comes in. There's no real purpose for it. I just felt like writing here, so yay! I am!

A random fact about me:
I love to cut things up. Specifically magazines. I love cutting up magazines to make collages with. Typically, I cut out words, but sometimes pictures too. I would be able to write a very eloquent ransom note using words that I cut out of magazines.

Okay - I'm really strange. I'm not hyper on the outside, like bouncing off balls or anything like that. In fact, if you were to look at me, you'd think that I was rather chill right now, but inside I have so much energy!!!


I should go for a mental run. Or maybe participate in a Spelling Bee. That would give me a wonderful outlet for all my internal energy!

I Want to Write a Book

Hey everyone.

Just so you know, I'm doing so much better than I was last time I posted. I had some serious time with God, and I'm working it out. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life, and well, that is the result.

What brings me here today [other than the fact that it IS my blog] is the conclusion that I have recently come to that I want to write a book. I have the opportunity to sort of...co-write a book right now which I think is really cool, but I want to write a book all on my own - and just see where it goes.

The way I see it...I write a lot. Not just on here, but elsewhere. I have important things to say. I have learned many valuable lessons. Why not put it all down on paper? I mean, I can't guarantee that it would be published or anything, but I love the idea of writing a book for writing's sake.

I've done some research about writing a book, and I learned that the average paperback has about 250 words per page. At that rate, some of my blogs could be entire chapters...or more. :P

With that all being said, I am going to sit down and start typing. We'll see where that leads me!